Dear Diary…

Saturday …..

Waking early on a Saturday I’m fully convinced should be against the law some place., So this being the case, waking up early Saturday only to be utterly convinced it’s a Sunday, surely must be criminal😁, . In all honesty I could easily have laid back down and slept another two hours in the very least, but in my defence I had someone coming to collect a package, for return, any time between 8:30am and 12:30, I knew full well if I had slept in, it would be nearer that 8:30 mark… I thought it best to be at least semi dressed and not half comatose for the occasion, on reflection I’m not so sure I achieved the second half of that, but least I had managed to dress myself,(I’m good like that😁) plus that has to count for something right?.

In the end a very soggy looking mailman turned up mid morning, I had by this time of course indulged in my third large mug of coffee of the morning, and was debating strongly with myself whether walking down to the post box was on the cards, or could it be delayed somewhat until Monday at least(procrastination being my one true weakness, ok besides coffee and cake)..it had been raining heavily most of the morning., the sky remained low and full of yet more to come, so there would have been justification for staying put in the warm,. but i knew I should make the effort,(for my friends in the USA, going to the postbox, isn’t like it is there, we have to go out to post our mail, no one collects) My daughter’s birthday is in the week so I wanted to get her card off, because sometimes it can take a few days even first class to arrive…(cards posted Beck, you may get it before the big day 😁

I took the opportunity to make a dash(dash who am i blooming kidding, hobble more like 😁) during a brief lull in the latest monsoon, post box not being that far, roughly five minutes I think, well for those fit folk amongst us, more like twenty for me😁, I enjoyed the outing despite its briefness,. The trees here have finally lost most of their leaves at some point during one or another of the three storms, the sky may have been grey and dull but the trees were doing their best to illuminate the day with their dazzling leaves, whether upon the ground or those remaining steadfast clinging bravely to the semi naked limbs, it wasn’t cold outside despite the dampness, small birds were making the most of the brief dry spell chattering excitedly, hedge sparrows darting in and out the dense green cover, emerging in small groups to quarrel energetically like tiny politicians all trying to shout at once,. large flocks of chubby wood pigeons rummaged in the blades of still wet grass looking for food, seems I’m not the only one enjoying the respite.

The inspector calls

As hard as walking can be at times, I find it somewhat therapeutic, the last few days being very stressful..it was inspection time again on my apartment, and I know each time deep down it’s going to be fine, I’m going to be fine, but that doesn’t help. I’m told at least ten days in advance, ten whole days to work myself into a red hot frenzy,and I do it so well,😁, .My apartment is always clean, maybe because I keep it that way😁. But that doesn’t stop me running about obsessively for days, washing down paintwork, vacuuming, spraying, cleaning every bloody thing …I swear even the spiders here get cleaned so they look at their best, those that the smoke signals missed, and hadn’t gone into hiding until it’s over that is.

Its daft to work myself up so very much, as the guys only here for five minutes, he does a quick walk around, takes some photos and leaves, always always comments on how nice it’s kept, only this time actually saying it’s immaculate,. And of course that goes someway to sooth my anxiety, If he had just seen the mess I was making in my attempts to reach said cleanliness status, it could well have been game over….I think I’m the only person I know, can make mess while actually cleaning…don’t ask about the bread making episode?, sufficient to say when my anxiety level is at a peak, it makes my tremors far worse, so instead of wholemeal flour neatly landing in a mound in my bread machine, my hand jerks suddenly sending it spiralling over walls, floor, ceiling and of course myself.. Then this involves a further mad half hour with the vacuum cleaner and changing t shirts…and why did I decide to make bread on inspection day?…it’s all linked I promise😒, Inspection day means stress, stress calls for either chocolate or carbs…this one was a major headache and I found in fact i needed both😁, ewww wonder if there’s such a thing as chocolate bread😁?

By the time he left, I was in an utter state of nervous exhaustion, I tried resting for half an hour, but the overly high adrenaline level served to prevented it, might not have helped the amount of caffeine running about my veins was still peaking at this point 😁, ..it’s been three days now and my teeth are still hurting, where I clench my teeth so much it’s almost enough to send them out the other side of my jaw😁, no matter how hard I try to accept the inevitable, accept the inspection, work with it. I cant, and for days after I’m left feeling vulnerable, almost violated, I value my privacy deeply, even more and more these days, especially since retreating further from the real world into my protective bubble.

Im fully cognizant of the need for these six monthly checks, I understand their import of course I do, there are just as many unscrupulous tenants out there, as there are landlords, but I still can’t help but wish it wasn’t happening to me, this being my only safe space, sanctuary. And mentally I feel this most overwhelming need, to repel all boarders…

It’s with some comfort that i now know I’ve another six months until the next visit, And each time I promise myself i will be more relaxed about the whole thing,(we know my success with that) one thing is at least it gives me time to wear off the added extra calories, 😁. I’m not sure whether Sage(budgie) picks up on all this extra activity and stress, but yesterday as I came home from my walk, I nipped over to tell him I was back and open his cage doors, (their normally only closed at bedtime or if I’m out) he shot straight out and landed on my shoulder, then head, something his not done on any previous occasion,. He does get on my hand, but he just seemed to need to be close by, even sitting by my side to eat ..I found this very touching and a highlight to end an otherwise chaotic week. Take care out there folks, and take care of you ❤❤❤💛💛💛