Thursday 26th October
Tuesday dawned yet another day of oppressive deep iron grey cloudy skies, and need I say it!!! endless rain. It has infact been raining now off and on(more on though than off I may add) for well over a week, information coming down from face book, friends and my trusty Morrisons delivery drivers, tell me I’m surrounded by flooded areas, the papers and news letting me know the whole country is not faring much better.(for once I’m almost glad I’ve not been outside in some time, swimming is not my strong point, not sure about raft building as of yet either, 😁
The weather besides covering us in a continuous deluge, has grown somewhat cooler, and i for one admit begun to dread any minute drop, no matter how small, becoming almost obsessed with checking local forecasts several times daily, not sure why I do this mind because my body is already well informed judging by the covering of goosebumps and most days shivering, only resorting to pulling over a throw, when I can take it no longer,(this I might add is only a last resort) usually somewhere in the late afternoon, it has by then grown dark, I’ve pulled my heavy winter curtains, the shower curtain and voiles covering the front door in some vain attempt of keeping any remaining warmth locked in around me..this rarely if ever works.
But this Tuesday was to be different, as I said the sky was still very dark even around 9am, I felt my mood already low, it was going to be a very long cold dark day, and despite being awake just a while(already going into enforced winter hibernation for the last week now)I was very aware I just didn’t want to face it..the freezing shower had done little if naught to lift my plummeting mind set, The only thing I was indeed looking forward to was a steaming hot coffee,. That was as soon as I could feel my purple frozen legs again, then I would brave the chill, go and make some..I lay a while thawing out and reading the daily paper, the lower half of me wrapped up tight in a thick red fleece blanket like A giant Treez burrito 😁, .I didn’t want to do Tuesday I knew that much already😁.
I was just ensconced in an article about antibiotics and suicidal thoughts(I know cheerful right?!!!!,. having just finished a course of Doxycycline myself, I felt the story may provide me with some relative input…I hadn’t read a paragraph or two when someplace off in the distance I heard an unfamiliar sound, something like a trilling buzzing kind of thing, firstly I ignore it of course😁, taking it to come from either the apartment above me or outside(only place I could think of any buzzing coming from😳) I go back to my article, somewhat distracted by the continuation of the blooming trilling buzzing, it’s getting annoying now!!!!😡,
Grumpily I put down my paper, lean on my bedside table, ready to hoist myself up and go out into the living room to look out of the window, for either a very large buzzing bee or someone on a phone nearby perhaps, it was only then I note my bedside table is doing this weird vibrating thing, confused I’m thinking either there’s a nearby earth quake and no one’s thought to warn me about it yet orrrrr(quick grab the phone,purse, Budgie and Cinnamon rabbit) . Realisation though finally dawns on me, (there’s not any impending doom at all!, it’s coming out of my underwear drawer….no no no everyone get back in your box, settle down really!!!!!!😁 it’s just my phone honestly you lot😁.
Over time Ive grown used to my other phone not ringing, it’s a sad state of affairs but there it is, i think if anything it rings on average once or twice yearly, I keep it mainly for an emergency only,. But ring it did now,. It usually takes a moment for me to answer, because normally I’ve forgotten how😁, just swipe up folks, but you know how it gets….so I Manically grapple around in my freshly laundered undies….don’t start again!!!!, I Locate my phone finally and fumble about until I find the swipe up thingy, of course just as it goes off!!….(Damn !!!! as Sage my Budgie proclaimes endless times daily), first thought I don’t want to bother calling it back, I hate using phones, it’s a very real phobia of mine , (Phonaphobia), anyhow for some reason unbeknownst to myself, something tells me I need to get this, the call might be important.
I stare at the tiny screen for a while, almost in doing, expecting it to magically ring again, but of course it doesn’t,. So I flick through the options, find call back and tap it quickly before I’ve chance to back out, this approach works best for me I find, …it rings several times, before a male voice answers “hello”!…I reply far to quickly my nerves tattered..” Your number was on my phone” …the guy I can immediately tell is warm and friendly, his voice upbeat but calming…he asks have I few moments in which to talk, ?, This to me nearly always means a cold call or survey..And I’m in no mood for either(it’s before BC, (coffee after all), I’m not even remotely human until at least two large mugs, let’s alone do adulting). He must have picked up on the sigh, because his next words were to tell me it was from my energy supplier….
Now if you’ve read my other missives since February, the never ending saga of the massive bills, and I mean way way over the top bills, the countless emailing from both myself and Jesse, my endless tiring attempts at living frugally both food wise and fuel, then your up to date with where we are currently at….I feel my body already tense up, I’m laying here cold, achy and my head hurts, despite this I’m determined to remain polite, it’s not his fault after all, he’s a job to do, he starts by asking my name and address…then asks can he call me Theresa?, I come back immediately with “prefer it to Ethel!”, He says “oh sorry is your name Ethel then”?????, I sigh no it’s ok my name’s Theresa…
Anyhow to cut an excruciatingly long story long, it turns out there was a mistake!, Who knew? lol!😁, I mean really, . Again though I retain my composure, I listen to what he wants to get across, mindful not to interrupt,(but I long too, oh how I long too get across how scared I’ve been, although scared doesn’t begin to cover it, tell him about those countless freezing showers, endless hand washing of clothes, turning everything off and laying in the dark for hours when i,m terrified of it, shivering in the cold for weeks all the while trying to fight off a chest infection…I’ve so much to say, but I know right now I need to listen, and listen intently…
All at once I wanted Jesse there, as always I feel small, insignificant, unheard and under valued, who am I to complain?, Yes I want Jesse there, I want someone right there in my corner, not just an anyone though, some one who actually cares about me and my story, I’m torn between waking him or going this alone,(it’s only 4:30am there right now though) …I pull the blanket up tighter about me, I don’t want to do this, I never do!! Dealing with any authority scares me…I go into a child like mode, I feel myself shutting down fast, but now is not the time, I stutter out mechanical responses,…but know no matter how scared, how much I quake, it’s all down to me now…
The upshot went as such, the £2,000 bill that grew steadily month after month was indeed an error, the monthly charges of either £230 or £430 again an error, it was all a mistake, a bloody huge hot mess of a mistake,. I had waited for these words for so very long now, dreamt about how the conversation would go, what my responses would be,. But now it was here, I had no clue how to react, it was kind of like the shock set in, I had lived with this anxiety for nine whole months, some nights barely able to sleep, others longing for sleep to come claim so I could escape it clasp.
There would be no victory because I felt numb, cold from the inside, Words from Mark the caller sounded hollow somehow unable to impregnate my torn mind, I had wanted this for so so long,, now it was here,And I couldn’t get it to stay in my head, Even after I hung up, I sat alone, arms about myself, blanket up tight, protection against that terrifying outside world, I had been strong for so long I couldn’t let go of these fears…I rocked myself back an forth, I crooned a non descript tune to the shaken inner me, hoping that the huge black shadow, talons poised, looming over me like a shadow for weeks now would finally disappear for good…. its not, it’s still here…I still feel that endless haunted feeling….
This morning two whole days later, and it’s still not quite sunk in yet, I’m still habitually turning everything running on electricity off behind me, lights, wall sockets, there’s still no hot water coming from the tap, deep inside I’m still waiting for the call to have been all a dream, for the nightmare to commence once more on constant replay as before….that said I actually fired up the boiler for an Alexa timed hour, the first time in some months, (uncertain if it would actually work now even😁),.I thought to indulge in my first hot shower since February, but no matter how I adjusted the temperature of the water, the heat in the beginning had almost felt unbearable upon my unaccustomed skin,. What was though pure unadulterated luxury was how the warmth of the water mixed the sudsy rich scented Lavender shower gel into a cacophony for the senses,
Update
Since my call with Mark on Tuesday(my energy supplier) who I have to say was both courteous and polite from the very outset, I’ve had another from A guy call Nigel total polar opposite, whether he was late for lunch or he missed his coffee that morning I’ve no clue, but he wasn’t amused that we still have unanswered questions, I felt brushed off, wasting his time, and that’s fine by me,i wanted to be off the phone just as much as he did, but I was the aggrieved party here, just requiring answers and reassuring, that surely can never be wrong ….
Stay warm folks, safe and dry, take care until next time ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My American Man In Purple Lace Corsets 