Dear Diary

Yesterday …

Over night here the temperature have begun tumbling downward from those respectable mild double figures of just the week before, to chilling single digits of 1 or 2., I had noted it’s fall throughout the evening, at one point pulling a throw about my legs in some vain attempt at keeping warm, the apartment as small as it is, gets cold far too quickly, Soon as the sun drops from view the temperature drops with it.(that’s when it’s not raining all day of course… This ongoing constant battle with my energy supplier means heating of any kind has now become a luxury, (not a necessity in their eyes), it’s a price my budget just can’t run to anymore.,. Normally it wouldn’t be too much of an issue for me,. I’ve always adored the Autumn weather, But now what with fighting this latest round of Covid, plus a raging chest infection, I must confess it has become somewhat cause for concern, (Pneumonia or Bulgaria as I called it as a child😁, is not something I want to add to my growing list of ailments.

Nights for me are the worst, I get feverish off and on, throwing back all my covers in my sleep, in order to cool my sticky clammy skin..momentarily the cool air is delicious,,.Only for me to wake up sometime later though chilled throughout, I,m now making more of conscious effort to stay covered up, even adding a thick double layered soft red fluffy Sherpa fleece to my bed nest, this like the others mostly ends up in the floor though at some point during the night, after yet another fever fuelled fight with my bedding.

Its been over a week now since the first of my symptoms put in their appearance, the ever present barking cough wants to be that gift that just keeps on giving,(one I hasten to add no one actually wants but you end up getting back at some point in time😁) . I’m already really bored of having to be yet ever more sedentary, I hate this!!!,.(And no it’s not true, that old adage, that if your bored your getting better!!! i,’ll tell you the truth, what It actually means is your just bored as well as sick!!!!😁) But I want to go about my routines, these I might add are self same bloody routines Ive moaned about a thousand times now, but their mine!! and I wan’t to do them suddenly, inexplicably,. (mainly so I can moan I suspect) ..I’ve still been doing what chores Ive felt able to cope with,. But Even with the added lure of a thousand different audio books from the local online library, crossword puzzles, playing online games these do not satisfy like scrubbing a task of my list.., (I confess I’m not the most patient patient, and any I did have is fast wearing thin😁, Plus I feel that non forgiving sense of guilt,, that constant nagging little voice within my ear, the one that spurs into my side, “get up Theresa you should be doing something, not laying here wasting your day” . I know it’s just my own inner bully , but without distraction it never let’s up…

So this in mind today, I decided to venture out doors, I knew full well I was restless, Even sitting outside the flat drinking yet another coffee in the company of the ever growing family of pigeons pecking about my feet with their increasing demands for still more seed wasn’t going to cut it for me today,(Pigeons I’ve discovered are not into books, binge watching Poldark, or those currant affairs) ..Still I was unsure though whether I could actually manage to walk any distance from home, but knew there really is only one way I was going to find that out.

Out storage came the thick fleece winter zip up Jacket, I hadn’t as yet had an occasion to wear,. Jesse had brought it for me way back in those far off summer months ready for the big chill,,, pulling on fleecy jogging bottoms(leisure pants), long socks, grabbing my shoes from their hiding place under my bed I made ready to venture forth like a brave explorer,, just one more thing to do…tissues, throat lozenges, hand warmers,keys, check ✔✔✔…Even as I grabbed up my walking stick before opening the door, I did what I always do, give myself permission to turn back at any point in the exercise. It’s something that’s carried over from my worst days of Agoraphobia, that permission to fail if need be…because deep down there’s the knowledge ones willingness to try something is never really a failure.

I,m immediately struck by how mild it is, I had gone from shivering indoors just minutes previous, to opening up the heavy fleece Jacket to let in the soft warm air, Here I was all wrapped up for a trip to the Arctic and the sun shone brightly, oh well I was here now😁, . I had no clue where I was heading or indeed how far I would actually reach..but that’s the nice thing about doing something in the spare of the moment, you never know till after. it’s my small adventure😁

As I walked I noticed, despite it being Autumn and October the trees are still that rich deep olive green, not even the very tops of them are changing as of yet, in comparison of last year when in August, these self same trees had already begun Autumn, thanks mainly to the heatwave, their leaves had been scorched brown and they were losing them early,..Today was a total contrast Butterflies, Bees and other insects are still in the air, my pigeons are bringing back twigs for nesting, late summer flowers remain in bloom, indeed in my own garden tomatoes are ripening upon the vine.

I headed down toward a small local copse, it’s just yards away in case I need to turn home at any point, but even so such a pretty escape…trees meet at their tops, forming generous green canopies over head, as I walked the dappled shaded path in front of me, The trees either side seem to bustle with life, tiny Robins hopped from branch to branch their pretty song a sudden burst of sound, so clear and melodic, boisterous busy Blackbirds shuffled about the leaf litter searching vigorously for any insects fooled to the surface by their tapping feet and beaks,. Not in a scary way you understand, but the place took on the feel as if there’s eyes everywhere, and no wonder because in front of me, just feet away are two young grey squirrels, bushy tails flick back and forth, they stop chasing each other about the base of a large sycamore tree just long enough to stand up on their chunky hind quarter’s, black bright beady eyes watch my every move, noses twitch taking in smells from the air, I’m enchanted at once by them, their curiosity, their nearness, with another quick flick of their tail they carried on with their game of chase.

I had known before I left my home I may not be able to venture far, and I was indeed proved right, my chest grew tight and raspy, but I had satisfied that restless need to escape the walls, walls that had felt like they were suffocating me slowly, Beginning the slow walk back, I suddenly felt of no need to hurry,, The bare foot style shoes I’ve taken to wearing over the months as well as helping with pain level, mask my foot fall,.So there sat just feet from where I walked, sat yet another curious squirrel, he didn’t move, standing so very still, almost like one of those plaster garden ornaments, in truth at first that’s what I was convinced he was, but as the breeze blew the soft downy hair of his tail, I knew he was real, and just as interested in me as I was of him, maybe he thought I carried treats who knew, but for a while I stood charmed by his presence…

Even this small walk was in fact very tiring, and In truth i can’t say that wasn’t glad to return home, Sage(my budgie) let out his usual high pitched greeting whistle, one he only does when I return from anywhere, even just hanging out the laundry😁, I made myself a large hot toddy, went back into my tiny bedroom to slowly partake of its warmth.. As I do I cannot help but return also to that heightened constant state of anxiety, worried about how I will survive a winter without warmth or any form of heating..I’ve already purchased a set of tiny USB hand warmers for the worst days ahead, the thinking being they can be charged nightly during the cheaper tariff rates,. I’m tempted greatly also, to try out the terracotta plant pot hack I’ve seen, the one where you strategically place t candles underheath the raised pot, but alongside this I do worry about the safety side of this though, but if temperatures plummet as have already been predicted I may just well resort to this..Any how folks you all take care, stay safe and well.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤