The reckoning….

Day 2.

Yesterday as you may or may not be aware, was the first time I ventured forth from my Cave(flat) after the long winters hibernation, previously before this the furthest I had managed was either the small front garden or out to the laundry area, .I must confess here, it had infact become all too easy to watch winter play out its dramas from the relative warmth and safety of my living room window, it affords me the pleasure of taking part without actually, well you know taking part really 😁.

Problem with this being, when you live in an area no bigger than the average Caravan, your fitness levels drop dramatically over time, .this I hadn’t in fairness noted, until I did!😁, by then of course it’s all too late, the damage is done, .I found this out to my cost on going out for my first walk in weeks, Stupidly I had taken for granted that I would be able in fact just pick up where I had left off over the mild Autumn,.This was In fact not to be the case, I hadn’t gone far at all before not only did my legs and back begin to protest most profoundly, but what was more of a growing concern was the fact my chest had grown increasingly not only tight but wheezy….

Call me stupid or whatever but I really quite like breathing, it’s become an old friend😁, I have though in my past life had to use inhalers for short spells, this is not a path I’m looking to revisit, On today’s walk, I stubbornly not only walked that much further, I in fact pushed myself to walk up quite an incline, even on a good day this had been quite the Nemesis for me, today it was to prove itself no lesser the foe…I tried hard to concentrate on my breathing, keeping it that steady flow going, but the further along I walked the tighter my chest grew and more ragid the breaths came…giving myself credit, I achieved what I set out to do, but it came with a price..it has challenged my nerve.

I have suffered with Agoraphobia,Ptsd for over thirty years now, at its height I didn’t leave my home once in ten years, at its best I flew on my first ever flight to meet my love in America, extremes I know, but that’s me all over, ..for the last five years I have had what I suppose you could call a wee break from the effects of Agoraphobia, a holiday if you will., Being able to do pretty much what I needed and wanted to do, . Today as I pushed myself further on, wanting to prove to myself I had no limitations, I found out the opposite to be true,….I reached the goal I set myself earlier, only for a flashback to come on suddenly without a warning..stood there in the cold alone, nowhere to sit down, quite some ways from home,only just made matters worse…Sound became harsh and louder, traffic seemed to move faster, everything in fact seemed to speed up, the very ground beneath my feet felt spongy, no longer solid, I for the first time in years felt afraid …

But I had one thing I was to be extremely proud of,this was not only did I push those boundaries to the nth degree, Even when I did reach my Goal, the one I had set for myself, then only to feel those first bursts of panic hit and in fact reacted shockingly just as I had in my past life, (which had been to turn around and flee back to the relative safety of home, this time with what was left of my fast diminishing courage, I not only shakily stood my ground, but each time that over powering need to walk away hit, I turned right back and walked back to where my fear measured its worst…I did this not once but three times infact…

As I finally allowed myself to walk home an overpowering exhaustion engulfed my body, whether from a physical thing, mental, lack of food or a combination of all of the above there was no choice but to walk home..I used distraction as a tool to do this, searching under the hedgerows either side of the walkway for early flowering spring plants, trying to catch a glimpse of the birds as they flashed between branches, stopping to take pictures of a gloriously covered pink blossoming cherry tree, it took all those tools in my tool belt ones I hadn’t infact had to use in years, thinking I had long since forgotten, now here I was using them to coast me home, like some old wreck of a car fast running out of gas..but I knew there was little choice, And with this firmly in mind I made it.

Those of you who have suffered something similar will know that over powering relief you feel when you finally sight home, that release of all that tension, final calming of adrenaline, your tense muscles sag, you’ve made it, your safe…As I look up at the roof, there in the gutter heads bobbing as look down upon me inquisitive as ever, all in a line are sat old friends, Walter, Dave, Red, Freckle, Darcy, and the rest of my growing pigeon family, I can’t help but smile up at them..they can’t begin to know how pleased and relieved I am to be seeing them again…I plonk myself down upon the porch step ungainly, the body that had just moments before been covered in sweat, rapidly chilled as the cold breeze whipped about me, I longed for nothing more than a hug from the man I loved and a mammoth hot coffee, in fact what I got was half an hour sat shivering too exhausted to do anything about it, but as I sat there watching the pale orb of winter sun do it’s best to warm the ever darkening winter sky… My pigeons came down to the grass in front of me, to some they may be a nuisance, to me well their alive and company.. I can’t tell them about my adventures but they are there and that is very important to me,…. thank you for reading and talking part on what is in fact only the very tip of the iceberg, the beginning of one long and scary road, stay well and keep warm. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛