Invisibly yours….

Over the past week or two, myself and sleep have had a rather serious parting of the ways,, it all starts out so very promising too, . Early on in Evenings I begin to unwind, relax, dare I say, even start to feel somewhat tired, if I’m laying on my bed, I get that nice warm fussy melting into the bed sleepy sensation, those series of odd micro dreams, you know the ones right?…..but the minute I get to go to bed for realsy. Pingggggg! My eyes are wide open, I couldn’t be more awake if I snorted a pot of coffee neat, followed by a sugar chaser…I’m so awake that any sleepy sensations have been kept on hold for over a week and out the door, I try to encourage it back but I give up, settling down to binge watch a series on prime …..

Now being a night owl, this really holds no hardship for me, only problem I have is staving off the boredom, there’s really not so much to do at 3am, but eventually sleep does deem for to show itself at around the time the rest of the world is rising, including the sun….I’ve no idea what time I fell asleep last night, never sure wether to describe it as late or early😁, . All I do know though was I woke around 11:50 later that day, my body aching, and feeling like I had run a marathon in my sleep and hasn’t collected one of those aluminium super capes or chocolate medals,,, what do you mean their not chocolate?????😲😁.

I slowly make my way out to the kitchen coffee alter and sacrifice a few heaped spoonfuls of golden honey to the great bean goddess, in the mere far off hopes that I would scrape together a pinch of energy(works normally, but not today, . Today I was on my own, energy wise, if there was any get up and go to be had, it had long since upped and gone back to bed no doubts!!!!….after much strong coffee, a cold shower, and dressing, I could bare this lethargy not a second longer, it’s so tiring😁, so I decide to go for a walk, (on reflection it was sheer lunacy I know, …I hadn’t walked more than a minute, when my heads screaming at me to “turn around fool and go back home!!!!!!”, it screams continually at me the whole time i,m out infact…

Trying to distract myself, I look about myself, The clouds are racing across the sky, pregnant with many threatening little raindrops,but I can’t help but love those deep grey gun metal clouds, there’s something intoxicating about their moodiness, the way they look so deep and heavy, yet float so gracefully across the sky, The trees by now are ever changing this time of year…, this week their colours have deepened, oranges,reds, golden yellows slowly being replaced, by rich ruby purples, crimson, coppers, and dark chocolate browns, ..leaves loosened by a sharp autumnal wind, pirouette somewhat gracefully before softly landing on the ground, joining piles covering the grass blown into tempting heaps.

Flashes of the brilliant red rose hips fattened by the much longed for rain catch the eye as I walk passed, (what is it that folk say about a glut of berries foretell of a harsh winter?,if true then this one’s going to be colder than my flat 😁 .This said after the heat of the long summer I’m all to ready to believe it,. Once again on the start of my walk i am alone, albeit for the company of a bunch of very excitable large black crows, beaks stabbing at the newly cut grass for unsuspecting bugs and grubs, suddenly taking off straight up into air outstretched wings aloft cawing loudly at a neighbour who encroaches on their piece of turf, ….Magpies cackle high up in the trees as if to laugh at the crows antics, all unaware of my presence among them.

Not so much the wasp though,. no the wasps are only too well aware that I’m there, every few minutes one dived at my unsuspecting head, they come at you from all sides buzzing angrily as if I intrude, which for all I know I could be, they are in search of remaining late fruits, there’s not much left on either the elder or BlackBerry but there’s always something to be found though even if it takes the form of a dropped sweet or sugary drinks can….

The longer I walk, I note the sun has managed to part the threatening dark clouds long enough to burst it’s way through, it’s brief appearance still has some warmth to it, and All at once i,m uncomfortably reminded of the long sleeved fleece jacket I put on, thinking I would feel the cold, I hate anything on my arms at the best of times, it feels suffocating, intrusive,, I feel hot and long to divest myself of it, but then I would only have to carry it….

Walking since Covid isn’t so much the pleasurable experience it once had previously been, I have to push myself to the enth degree in order to complete even the smallest distance, aching profusely, my breathing sometimes harsh and ragid, but I’m all too aware I need exercise, plus living alone it’s the only way I know that humanity still exists outside my four walls,that is beside myself and Jesse in cyber chat land ….

Dog walkers appear suddenly as if from nowhere, as I sit on my usual bench,(I say usual,,) there is in fact only the one😲😁, I watch their dogs meet up with others where they frolic as their owners chat,it’s a very social meet up for dog and owner alike . A small fluffy Spaniel rolls, over and over joyfully in some patch of smelly grass, much to his owners annoyance, She bellows hopelessly for him to follow her, but there’s no chance, his scratching up the grass before rolling once more in whatever stink his thinking is glorious,(I swear I see a smile upon his cute face, after a while he realises mum has walked off in disgust, he races after her, ..I hear her tell him to stop being a Dxck head 😁, he doesn’t care by now, his still smiling and smelling absolutely glorious darling😁…..I’m all too aware at that moment i,m feeling envious,. Envious of their walks together, the cute way his tongue lolls out the side of his mouth as he trots at her side, those 4am walks, even the freezing cold winter 10pm walks in the dark…I see other people throwing balls arms open wide as their dog runs back, I feel this huge void, a sadness I can’t begin to describe even if I tried, I miss my dogs, I hate hate hate!!!! these loan walks, I long for their companionship, there’s a hole in my world each day and nothing or no one can fill it…..

I walk back slowly, aware I must cut a strange figure, walking across fields alone, for no other reason than the need to escape the confines of my flat, some ignore me like I’m not there choose to look right through me, others suspicious of my motives avoid eye contact,. I despise the walking stick that’s essential for me, it creates a barrier between me and any dog approaching that may stop for a friendly scratch or cuddly, all the dogs seem to look worried by it, some even barking, this just hurts even more, I often sit for long spells over there just to be in a dogs presence, it’s all I have right now….

I Go home to be greeted by my little she devil of a cat, her strange little mew breaks through to my deep thoughtful fuzzy brain, we share a moment or three, chatting back and forth about goodness only knows, but she’s there, warm and wanting to be with me, I’m home!, and that was ok with me.

But now comes the crunch, later I had arranged with a local vets, to check Freya for a micro chip and do a health check…..Freya had come along in leaps and bounds, from thin, worm infested fearful bedraggled cat,, to shiney, ultra friendly, fat cat…..she had become so out going and a wonderful part of my routine, in truth the best part…I looked forward each morning to freezing my butt off feeding her before I even made coffee!!!!!!😲, I know …

I should have known by the thunderous omen, monsoon rain storm, something was amiss….I spoke to a lovely vet, who checked her over..remarking on her lovely healthy condition, bit over weight maybe😲, oooops😁😁😁😁😁, but she was looking good….then he picks up the micro chip wand…..And I hear at once an almost deafeningly heart stopping beep, she’s chipped, there’s her registered number in black And white upon the computer screen, I feel at a loss of my emotions, .The vet tells me they will be ringing the number…I hold my breathe ……my world slowly spinning out of kilter,, how am I supposed to feel?, For two months now Freya has been my companion, bringing much more than just a friendly greeting, she’s made here a home, our home….

I didn’t even get in the front door on my return, before my mobile phone shrills in the deafening silence, it’s the call I had dreaded, (Freya as I know her), is actually called Marmite, ..And she’s been missing from her home since February of this year…..her very emotional owner was thrilled to find out that she’s ok, And of course I’m so pleased for them both, course I am!, But I can’t help but know I’m going to miss her, each time I go to the door she’s not there sleeping, there’s no greeting, no one to come in and sit on my lap with a raspy purr, or to follow me to hang laundry….she made a big difference in my life, And I hope I have some way in hers, we shared a moment in time,,,, well two months to be precise, two whole months of being needed,. And now!!!well who knows….it is on reflection the best outcome, and I feel really selfish for missing her presence already, but grateful to her owners for sharing her with me however briefly, She’s certainly been an experience! 😁 a most wonderful, enjoyable, loving experience……it’s so quiet now….

In the meantime the rain still falls, pattering loudly against the windows, a sound I normally love, the odd rumble of thunder breaks the unbearable silence, the world goes on around me, invisible me…and wrongly and rightly I miss little Freya, I just know I’m going to miss her terribly…..take care all and be careful out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽😽x