Time Traveling Back Into Tangerine Dreams

Monday……

All the previous weekend, I had sat on eggshells (not literally of course😀) but I had been nervously excited at looking at yet another example of rental housing. Yay!!!!!!!! The more the weeks have dwindled away, I grow more weary, somewhat disillusioned, with the whole renting system. I look at picture upon picture of beautiful homes, most way out my price range, others: student lets. Then there’s those with too many bedrooms, not enough bathrooms😮, (no that is a thing really). When I get all these things slotted together, it seems there’s at least ten other applicants all of which also need these requirements. Who knew bathrooms are a luxury!

There’s not only me searching for this special house either, there’s Debbie, my daughter, Jesse… all doing what they can to help. Plus I’m down with every estate agent for miles around. I know there’s some of us who actually enjoy looking at houses (my sister and her husband did this for amusement most weekends 🤔) but to me it’s a nightmare. I have to get my mind into the right frame, then there’s the peopling to be done, going out, talking on phones, emails, questions, getting up an hour after finally falling asleep. And for what… to be told I don’t match their criteria, or them mine? It’s exhausting. Each disappointment brings me lower. Even taking all this out of the equation, there’s the costs.

Monday’s house for instance… it’s the right number of bedrooms, √; has a living room, √; kitchen, √; even a bathroom! 😮 (I know!)… a nice little garden and they would consider taking Cinnamon Rabbit. I could not believe my luck. At long, long last, I thought finally things are going our way. I went with an open mind as advised. This was to be mine and Cinnamon’s new start, our little comfy home. So the adventure began. When we did eventually locate the house it was tucked well away from the others, out of sight. This had involved phone calls from America to the letting agent (that must have caused some amusement), searching of maps (not my strongest point), trekking up one street and down another, trying to find a bright red door. Should be easy, right?😁 Also we were informed there will be a large Jeep stuck outside. The two of us were looking about aimlessly, me with no sense of direction at all. Jesse suggested at one point I might leave a trail of bread crumbs in case I became lost. That, or maybe a rope attached to Debbie’s bumper. 😁 When we did eventually spot the red beacon of a door, the Jeep, followed finally by the ever elusive house number, we were greeted by a very smart, smiling estate agent.

Take into account what I had said in the beginning about an open minds and all that. Well it was surely needed that day! As we stepped over the threshold, I felt I had been carried back in time to the 70s. The were walls of deepest purple and lilac. And just to off set this charming decor, imagine if you will here, bright tangerine-dream orange doors! (No, I’m being serious!!!)😯 I then had to get to wondering about the whole bank of mirrors up in the sitting room wall. (Suppose it could have been worse, least it wasn’t the ceiling.) I ran past the offending mirror wall, as though the ghost of 70’s past was chasing me, straight out into the tiny garden, which, I have to admit, was quite sweet. It did mollify my already jangled nerves at seeing my rear end flash past, even if fleetingly.

Best for last……

But this was just the start of things to come. I could barely wait. With somewhat bated breath, we all walked apprehensively up the stairs, Debbie hanging back by now, wide eyed scanning about her for fluffy dice, prints of big eyed children or clown dolls. But, oh boy, was we in for a treat!! I, for one, couldn’t help but feel my eyes drawn, as I went up the last stair… There in all its purple glory was an Aubergine bathroom suite! 😮😮😮😮 You couldn’t peel your eyes away! We both stood open mouthed, trying to find some words, any words (there were none). What can one say (there was silence.) More orange wood surrounds were, it seemed, an accent feature. Plus, green, red, and yellow. I felt like I had just walked through a spinning kaleidoscope. Colours flashed before my eyes. I turned to see a fast retreating Debbie… she was making good her escape before we were captured forever in a 70s Vortex.

We assured the Agent we would be in touch, or is that be touched? Who knows! But this was just the tip of the upcoming iceberg. Friday, I went to see yet another house, again, from its pictures, I felt this had to be the one for me, surely. Actually, though, if I’m to be absolutely honest, I had felt, if anything, it was too good for me. We had been panic-stricken on arrival Traffic made us a few minutes later than we would have liked. Parking was not only haphazard, but horrendous. It’s Friday afternoon, everyone wanting to get home and start enjoying their weekend. When we did eventually find the road we needed to be on, it was all one way systems. Finally there was only time for Deb to chuck me out the barely stopped car. Everywhere is double yellow lines, jay-walking students, eyes firmly fixed upon phone screens just merrily walking across in front of you. Then there’s the cars trying to parallel park for the sixth time. I’m greeted by an immaculately turned out Jack the Estate Agent standing in the open doorway, clip board in one hand, phone in the other. Quick introductions done, we then entered the house, and from there it all went down hill very quickly. The first room, which I can only presume to be a sitting room, had a very large unmade double bed in the middle of it. We skirt around it… clothes, soggy towels were filed everywhere upon the floor. This was to be just the start of things to come. Each room held its own box of delights. I could tell Jack was becoming fast embarrassed. He said somewhat quietly that the young couple had children!, Okayyyy, I know you have to make allowances with little ones, and I’m certainly no Suzy homemaker, but still I try. It saddened me as we went from room to room. It was obvious even to my untrained eye that the occupants had lost heart, probably also passing from one rental to another… no roots and unable to become attached to anywhere long enough to make it a cozy family home.

I looked it over, trying hard to see myself there in weeks to come, my things about me, making it feel warm and lived in, loved even. But as I tried to go up the very steep impractical stairs, I became worried. The treads were narrow, hard for your feet to take purchase, dangerous even. There was nowhere to hold onto the further up you went. I, at one point, was actually on my hands and knees and, if I’m honest, scared of falling backwards onto Jack climbing up behind me. The upstairs was no cleaner than the previous rooms. I couldn’t wait to escape the confined feel. I just wanted to run home. And that’s when things hit me square in the face: where is home now? I really don’t have one. I’m, in effect, homeless! With a sinking heart, I quickly looked at the tiny sad, neglected back garden, the shed door hanging open on its broken hinges, metal barred window had had all its glass smashed. I felt depressed and sad, as sad as this once beautiful home must feel.

Debbie had been spared this occasion, thank goodness, and as I stood outside once again, in the fresh cool air I heard a friendly voice call my name. Debbie had just pulled up long enough for me to get into the car. I wanted to go home, wanted to hide. Debbie can sense something isn’t right. After I take a deep breath, I tell her. She incensed, angry and as tired of the whole thing as I am. She wanted to phone and complain. I just feel the need to be alone, lock the doors, pull the curtains and hide. We travel back through the busy grid locked evening roads. I pretend to look about me but i’m seeing nothing. I barely take in the chatter Debbie is trying hard to keep up alone. We eventually arrive back. I shoot out the car, swiftly saying thank you and goodbye. I fumble the key in the lock, walk into my fresh clean, sun-filled home, fall onto the big red squishy comfy sofa, and sit… my head swimming with thought. I make a phone call I hat but my choices are few and I need to do what’s best for one of us. Cinnie will always take precedence over my needs… always! I call my daughter.

I choke back tears and ask her if she will look after him. If I’m homeless that’s one thing. He wouldn’t survive. We talk it over, my mind’s eased slightly, as I know he has a roof over his dear little head. I can’t stand the thought of separation; he is not and never will be just a rabbit… he’s my companion. He makes this a home. We are family. I’m used to his loud thumps of disapproval each night I go to bed, the eye that watches me go out the door, then the back that’s turned to me as I come home. We coexist in an imperfect perfect relationship and, all at once, I’m not only homeless but really alone. Anger, hurt and fear visit me one by one. That night I sleep but wake, my heart pounding over and over, nightmares have haunted every night since, but I’m tired, weary to the bone. I feel old all at once. I long for my children, even more for Jesse. I’m past the stage of my heart feeling pain. My soul hurts! I’m broken. I long for days when life was uncomplicated, simple, boring even. I long for peace. Take care my dears… stay safe and warm 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💙