Sleepless in the Bungalow

I cannot believe yet another week has come, , whoosh and there it goes within a single heartbeat out the door…….This week started out so very hard and its with some certain knowledge that I knew full well it will end that way..A loved one has been ill, very ill, (And me being me, a nurturer of old, my first instinct is always to try help, I can’t help but want to mother,.Only in this case, I’m afraid there was little to nothing I could actually do, .it ate away at my insides greatly, I sent useless things, token gifts,… bothered them endlessly for updates, ideas of what to do, I love you,s…but still my mind whirled out of control, I felt totally useless, and sitting about just sent me even closer to that fearful edge of insanity.

Sunday..

I awoke from little more than a nap, (seems ten minutes sleep was enough for any overwrought mind…There I lay watching time pass very slowly, longing to wake Jesse, I needed to talk….,(I think I’ve hinted many times before, talking shuts the demons up in my head, If talking was a sport, I would win Gold several times for England 😁) , I talk about anything, everything, I talk for the sake of talking really, I cannot help it, it’s a nervous thing,..Plus it silences the endless torture I put myself through, if I talk loud enough, I cannot hear it…. But in as much as sitting in the dark,alone with my thoughts is agony, waking Jesse when his worked hard all day filling in endless B52s(or whatever those online forms are) plus there’s the end of the month accountancy type stuff ,this to me is far far worse. After a restless hour I decide to get up from the sofa I “normally” sleep on. to make myself a coffee….

While the kettle takes its usual sweet time to boil, I clean the kitchen from the night before.., wash up, put in a load of laundry to wash,. The kettle finally comes to a boil and clicks off loudly, startling me from my thoughts, I make my coffee, dive back under my fleece blankets to thaw out…it’s freezing here in the night…I put my hands about the silver thermos cup, grateful for any little warmth it affords, And sit again sipping the hot comforting brew… as I did an idea appeared from no where, why not sit and make a list of all the things you want to have achieved by the end of the week…put back some sense of worth, value…enjoy ticking each item off, watch the list become smaller, when your minds on one thing, it surely cannot think of two things at once, or Can it ?.

I grab an old shopping receipt that had sat screwed in a ball upon the pine coffee table. .,in the semi darkness i began writing, Starting with the simplest things first, then the tasks I had been putting off for some weeks., my mind wanders off topic from time to time, but before too long, my list has grown and covered the full receipt…. I’m now filled with a fresh determination to start that very next day, because here at least is something I can do…, first thing on my to do list, takes some thinking about, I lay back upon the plump red pillows, and there before long my eyes droop……I finally fall into a deep exhausted sleep.

Monday morning….

I woke up after just an hour..but least I had slept right?, I send an I love you and ask how they are,? ….But I know instantly though, because it’s early and I have a reply, …..I ask about doctors, hospitals, anything….again my heads full,so while Jesse is still blissfully unaware of this fresh new turmoil , I begin the first thing on my list…I want to move my living room about again (yeah I did just do this before Christmas😁)…in my sleep deprived befuddled head, I thought it would allow the heat to come through,what was at that moment my single blocked living room radiator, ..the huge sofa was in front of it.. It made sense to move it, plus more importantly it gave me an outlet, something to fill those endless hours, I had been sat worrying myself half to death, it didn’t take too long though as I moved the sofa, for my back to send out it’s protestations, …stubborn as I am though I had started, so I would come what may, indeed finish, it wasn’t even daylight yet as I put my plan into full action…..

I worked steadily for over an hour, my back just holding out, the toe that I had broken just before Christmas, I’m not quite so sure of, but each time I tried to sit down to rest, I was driven ever onward…hounded by thoughts of what IF?!!!!!!, I felt sick with pain but there was to be no let up….as I shunted the heavy coffee table to one side, a sleepy voice, called out, Honey? , you ok? …..I sit back in front of the phone waiting for Jesse to fall back to sleep,(this moving about could get ugly I thought, as I wipe away the sweat dripping into my eyes,) but after his satisfied I’ve not knocked down a partition wall, or fell off the wobbly chair I stand on to reach things, sleep he promptly does,.. I watch him for a while he looks so tranquil, … I’m at once envious of Mr Puss our cat, asleep upon his chest, I long for such sweet oblivion, the soothing sound of soft breaths and a heart beating strongly under my ear, as it has once before….again I push ever on….sweat creeping down my back, my knee twists and subluxs, I straightened the offending kneecap only bothered by its inconvenience…and go about finishing the room…nothing would stop that spur in my side, ( the sting of thought)

After I had finished,i sat for five minutes admiring my handy work, I hobble to the bathroom, there stripped off my sweat soaked pjs, and stood for an age under delicious warm water of the shower, washing off my aching body, sweet scents of Tahiti shower gel fill my nose, I still hurt but at least I’m now clean, for to be seen😁….I dress hurriedly in comfy clothes, make another coffee,….I love changing the room about normally , its that change of outlook, it lightens my mood….but today I’m still restless, I need something more, something to kill an hour or two at least….

before I know it i,m prising a now very swollen foot into my trainers, pulling on my jacket, grabbing Jesse and my wallet, mask and i,m out the door before I can talk myself out of it….it’s a glorious almost spring like morning…. The sky is a cloudless Cobalt blue, it’s unseasonably warm, even the breeze isn’t cold…the leaves from the oak lined street, are still soggy and sodden from an earlier downpour, .There’s not a soul to be seen, And I enjoy this brief hush, I don’t feel like pasting on the false smile today, or passing pleasantries with passes by….I just want to walk and be…

my head hurts, my back worse, I feel sick from a mix of stress and lack of sustenance, but the warm sun on my face is sweet and I walk slowly to enjoy every minute….I already know my limits, reach the local Lidl and go to buy a few things I need….it’s quiet in there, I’m doing ok, and the good thing about mask wearing is no one knows whether you smile or not…smiling today was not in the agenda….shopping done, I cross the huge road, find my bench and sit for a breather…the world went on oblivious, people drove to work, mothers chattered excitedly , but I feel excluded, not belonging…I made my way home, nearly at my door, I hear a soft enquiring voice, Have you been out honey?, At once a calm washed over my raging soul, a peaceful hush that’s so welcome and I breath ……

Myself and Jesse talk at length later that same day, he knows I’m tormenting myself endlessly again about something, he tries hard to distract me, sings one of his songs, talk of work, things that usually make me smile, engage my interest or makes me laugh, but today isn’t one of those days, today I’m hurting, this huge raw ball of emotion, I know I’m driving myself ever closer to the edge, And what’s worse neither he or I can stop it……I long for him to though, what’s more I know full well if he could just wrap me up in one of those huge bear hugs he specialises in, I could begin to do living again….all day I’m close to tears, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, but push myself and my body to it’s limit.

I hadn’t stopped all day, while Jesse worked away on his own list, I crossed all the boundaries of pain, determined and driven…..I never stopped to eat..didn’t want food, food had become the enemy in my mind, it wasn’t till way after ten that night I finally gave into hunger, made a cod steak, rice ,veg, even as I ate it, there wasn’t the usual enjoyment, I was just refuelling ready to carry ever onward……It was that hunger though that presented me with my next issue, I had been shovelling the food in without noticing, not tasting it, mindless and barely chewing before swallowing , and as I swallowed that next mouthful, to my horror a fishbone slid down my throat…too late to reverse it, to late to do anything, but keep swallowing hurriedly, as I gulp I’m hoping it would dislodge from where it was caught, I cough, splutter, but it’s useless, I swallow and as I do the sharp object scrapes down every last inch of my throat. It bloody hurts, but that’s not all, I have this irritated sensation almost like the bones still there someplace lodged…..normally I would have panicked, but I’m too tired, stories of people dying from choking on fishbones, play around with my already frought mind….but I shrug them off, choosing instead to plod on…

All week I’ve pushed my body onward, oblivious to it’s aches, it’s pain just needed to keep on the move…..yesterday though I reached payback…..every time I moved I felt heavy, slow, and couldnt seem to even walk straight, I had woken again after very little sleep, instead of laying there in hopes of drifting back off, I got up and began my day. My head ached, stomach joined in with the protest and after many bathroom trips later, I tried to wash down the skirting, another thing off my ever dwindling list…..things got done…. my friend Debbie arrived some time later to help me, she knows me from old, also knows I would half kill myself rather than ask for any assistance….she sets about however joining in with the endever, ever cheerful, there’s life and bustle at least now about the house, we call from room to room to each other…, but I’m horrified all at once by how slow, sluggish, listless I,m feeling….it was like trying to walk through molasses…also I lacked any form of concentration….what’s more pasting on that false smile, faking cheerfulness was killing me….I longed to lay down, my comfy sofa seductively called my name, I’m not ashamed to say I was so very tempted to give into it….but idiotically I didn’t listen…..we worked steadily for another three hours, three hours of my brain feeling like it had turned to mush, my body just a ball of hurt, I swallowed pain killers with some annoyance, why oh why was my body doing this to me?, Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted? , it was letting me down….. Really it wasn’t of course, I’m still in the full grips of longhauling, finally my body decided for me. if I wasn’t going to listen, it was surely going to make me…..after a brief shopping trip, Debbie left and I lay down to talk to Jesse a while, I at this point, felt chilled, my body shaking with the cold, I had had the heating on full, log burner burning, blankets piled up to my neck, yet teeth chattered, my whole body quaked and shoke, I felt sick, my throat began to ache, and I suddenly found I couldn’t leave the sofa….

All afternoon I shivered, all the signs of the flu took hold, I wanted to get up my things away, but the only way I can describe how I felt was sapped, wrung out, lifeless, that evening my eyes closed involuntary, and I slept off and on, Jesse there at my side, watching over me as always, .I would wake from time to time look up at him and smile, there’s my constant..

finally some hours later I changed into warm fleece pjs, ate a bowl of chicken casserole and gave into my bodies need for peace, rest, there really was little else I could do…my throat still slightly sore, somewhat raspy from the scrapping of the fish bone, but it’s better at least than it was, today I’m still feeling run down, and I’m listening, …again sleep failed but you know what,? I’m listening to that need to keep moving, the thoughts are ever present , but I will deal with it….take care of yourselves my friends and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😀💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘