Said I loved you …..

But I lied, .. the words of a Michael Bolton song that has perpetually played over and over in my head for over a week now……I’ve sung it, played it, hoping by doing so I by doing so I could in someway exorsize it once and for all, instead it makes free in my mind and out of my mouth…..I love the song which I suppose helps….could be so much worse right? (Could be that internal ring on it thing)!!!!!. But no, this has lyrics of such that, I could only dream of writing them myself….those words are ones I would have loved to have written for the man in my life….

The same man that walked into my life four years ago exactly today and turned it completely upside down….till that point I had lead the most miserable existence, . I had come to terms with that was my forever, that was life…….firstly let me say I never set out to meet anyone….far from this in fact….but one night, after a weekend of somewhat highs and lows, I lay sobbing upon my bright red (break your back in two futon) it wasn’t the pain of the futon that drove me to tears,( bad as that was), but a deep unhappiness, some say it’s their heart that hurts, this was pain so deep, it cut into my soul…..I rocked myself, twisted my fingers in angst…. Pain never covers it, this was torture….

At this time, I had been an admin in a self help group, with the most amazing bunch of people and quite naturally sought them out,. I needed their counsel, comfort, just company of another living breathing human being, if I’m I be honest…..my usual suspects nowhere to be seen that night….I watched ,waited until a little green light blinked at me through the depth of darkness, it bought instant relief, without its owner even knowing yet, but I went one step further, I took all my courage,trembling as I tapped on the name beside the little light…..almost at once came a reply….It was Jesse, the same man who had made me laugh countless time,s, just by a single line from one of his Jesseville,s, or a meme, daft joke…..laughter in my life was rare and wonderful commodity…so that very same Sunday night, we began hours of writing back and forth, words flew across our screen,s…I for the very first time opened my heart to a fellow human being….I was totally honest, freed from restraint, and had never felt so close to another soul as I did right then and there …..it was more intimate than I had experienced ever….it was almost like we sat in the same room, in the dark…..not touching…..yet all of us touching….two minds linked across a wide divide of an ocean……

we were still talking when the sun rose the next day…..I hated it when we finally signed of, I felt an emptiness I could begin to explain….still can’t …..we text back and forth, I began listening for the little pings on my phone, looking forward to seeing a message from Jesse…..when my heart began turning over at the sound….I knew I was in trouble……love had grown, not just a fondness but something out of my control…..and just a few days on I typed those very same words, fully expecting to never hear from him again……but no there never came the knock back….no rejection ….And our love grew beyond both of our wildest dreams…….it’s been four years now and I feel exactly as I did that very first day…… Our love was a wild thing neither could tame, or even wanted to…..I long for the day I can hold you Mr Jesse Cole…. At the beginning of this I quoted The song ,…….said I loved you, the rest is …..but I lied, this is more than love I feel inside….an Ocean may divide us my love, but love is our bridge……, Take care all ….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛