When is a dog not just a dog?….

Back 18 years ago on one bright sunny spring March day, this story was about to begin its journey,… , the day started like so many other,s,,. only this one unbeknownst to me at the time was just about to change my whole life… This was in fact the day, while bending over the bath to wash my hair, I felt a sudden sharp pain shoot through my left breast, It made me jump and even can remember I exclaiming owwwww to myself at the time, …my hand automatically rubbed the area, …but instead of helping, as I had hoped, its maybe going away, .the pain in fact only increased in severity, not only that, but as I rubbed the skin absentmindedly, I felt quite a hard solid sizable lump, ….to this day I don’t know how I knew, but my old friend gut instinct stood me well, ..it’s was to be that exact instant I learnt all about mortality, fear, and an age old question, which was about to be answered for me, .

How would I cope, if I ever found out I had Cancer?….there I’ve said it( THE “Cancer” word most of us whisper or utter under breaths for fear, just mentioning it ,(like saying Macbeth on stage or Voldamort in Harry potter) will bring it about, I finished washing my hair, piled it up in a towel, then slid down onto the bathroom floor, head in my hands, i,m not afraid to say I sobbed, .I cried my first real tears since the day my father died,. this wasn’t just tears though, this was almost primeval, deep down sound, sorrow from my soul to my heart, …I longed for my father, I longed to be held,rocked, someone to say i will make it ok,.. I needed to join with someone who would care about my pain, care, for my mere existence…………there was no one,( there never was) this was the day I also found out the truth about being alone, such a day of much learning

Many months were to pass, several life changing things at once also occured,.. people needed me to be strong, needed support, my mother being recently widowed was one, my sister another and someone who should have cared ,noticed just how depressed, withdrawn I had become should have been there, but instead dealt with his own issues, my support was needed most of all there, ….it was also here abouts , that I missed my father most keenly, I took to wearing his large baggy sweaters, he had knitted himself, It took my back to the long winter evenings he had sat in his chair, note book open, pen ,crossing off each long and complicated row of cable knitting,… just by wearing the royal blue crew necked jumper and wrapping my arms about my body ,was my father hugging me, I think I reverted somewhat into childhood,a place I needed to be for a time,, something was missing something, to this day I still cannot tell you what……

Moving on…….

A Monday morning six months later, I finally phoned my doctor to make an appointment, …back then there were no triage of call,s, previous to your visits, you just explained on the day…..I waited another week, nervous, uptight and anxious, ..when the day of the appointment arrived, I went in alone, my doctor didn’t look up from his computer at first, not until I mentioned the word lump and breast…..his eyes met mine, think then he saw my fear,, …he smiled kindly and said, it’s most likely nothing, just a cyst , And part of me truly wanted that to be the case, just a nothing, a minor annoyance, But as I was examined, shivering and not with cold, alone, fearful, stood vulnerable and half naked in front of my now unusually quiet doctor, I knew by his expression, he had tried quickly to hide, my world had stopped, life went on all about me, I heard babies wail in reception, children walking home from school shouting to one another, car horns, birds singing, I wanted it all to stop, didn’t they know my life had changed forever…..when he finally broke the silence, my doctor spoke softly to me for the first time… he said ,”well I won’t lie i,m concerned” ….now I laughed with false bravado, if your concerned Doctor I,m bloody terrified…

Over the months and weeks, I withdrew further into myself, it’s as if, well as if I was no longer part of the living…. I was in some kind of limbo, so why bother with anything,? I found little support, even after I disclosed about my news, I had no choice by now, I had to go for tests, these soon confirmed my fears, it was indeed cancer, and not only that an aggressive form….here I was at the time, 39 years old, mother of three feeling my world implode about me, but you know what ?I didn’t care, I was in fact already lost….

After a lumpectomy , I was told I would need some months of chemotherapy, I feared this far more than the actual cancer oddly enough, …but was talked into going through it despite my fears and opposition,…… I noted people around me changed rapidly, they actually avoided me!!, crossed over the road, looked away, I felt I had the plague,… was dirty, had become feared, I understood, of course I did, I knew how they felt, but inside I craved the contact of a real live person, by receiving a hug, a simple touch it was like they could pull me back from the edge, this deep dark precipice….I craved the warmth, the solace of another human, but it was non existent, I travelled my path lost and alone…..

The chemo made me dreadfully ill from the first dose, over the weeks I stopped eating, couldn’t bare the thought of food sitting in my stomach., My long auburn, hair began falling on to my pillow, sores grew in my mouth and on my body…..I went deep into total shut down, life held nothing for me now, I resented that waking moment each day, I sought darkness, as if by doing so I could hurry my demise, bring about the longed for peace….I was reminded by family I was infact being selfish, ( think of your family)…whose going to look after them? But selfish or no I sobbed is this it, I’m to survive to look after my now grown up family, who was going to care for me? …..I grew weaker still towards the end,. frail and lifeless, I was also having a lot of chest pain…..it crippled me at times, after one oncologist did tests, it was discovered I had infact unstable Angina,the chemo was attacking not only the Cancer!….

Two weeks after this, while at a friend’s house, trying hard to enjoy the company, “Being normal”…..one sentence made me look up from my dark retreat, “we have a Jack Russell puppy for sale “…..I love this breed, full of spirit, courage and loyalty….just after Christmas it could infact be rehomed…. For some reason , some how, someway, I wanted this pup, no other just this one…..that night it was decided this puppy born alone, already very much loved, was to become even more so, he didn’t know it yet but he was to have a very big job for one so very small.

The two weeks went by slowly, ….as they did I questioned myself soundly, what was I doing? , surely this was irresponsible,..what if I did succumb to my illness ?, leaving this little one without me……..but when finally the big day arrived, I got up from my bed and went to meet my new friend……I could barely stand, I felt so sick ,so very tired.., but in minutes that changed, someone handed me this tiny being, virtually all white, except for a patch each side of his face of blonde curly hair, he was chunky and plump, he wriggled further into my arms. Burried himself against me, ….That moment Willow entered the walled up dark world I had ensconced myself in and found my hiding place…

Over weeks , I got out my bed early, doggy house training never stops, even here he was such a good little dog, clean within a week, …And I had gained a tiny shadow, even the bathroom wasn’t sacred, he took to sleeping against me at nights, his warm little body tucked up right into my side( if not there then behind my head, on my pillow….I could not move without him, …morning,s we woke at 4 am, slipped quietly down the stairs, made tea ,there we made nests of warm fleece blankets on the sofa, him on my lap while I read…..he did in fact do this every day of his little life until he left us….he encouraged me out the door to walk, made me laugh with his constant antics, he was stubborn, fearless and more loyal than anyone I knew, he chose me to love with his huge unstinting heart, …I in turn adored this fuzzy little dog , he without knowing had brought me back from the edge, And I know a lot of you are staring at your screens just not believing this….what could a dog do, that doctors, medicine, family couldn’t do….he could love without a reason, just because and I in turn loved him …

Between him and Marley my Gsd, I was taught pack mentality, loyalty, trust, how to depend on another being, I learnt dogs are not just dogs, if you let them they become companions, Guardians, clowns, healers, and most of all become an endless source of warmth and love in our cold worlds, i,’ll end when is a dog not just a dog…..when you open your heart to it and he/she becomes so so much more….I write this looking up occasionally at a picture on my wall, it’s all I have left of my fuzzy ,funny, loving, little hairball, except the large gap to this day that still exists in my heart….I will always be convinced he came into my life to save me and teach me how to go about living again…..Willow if nothing else enjoyed life…….I Thank you for your indulgence in telling you our story, if your dogs there at your feet, bend down and stroke their ears for me, …..for I wish I could with Willow……take care my friends 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x