Coffee calamities and lavender dreams

Over the past few nights,my old nemesis sleep, once again has somewhat evaded my every attempt, So I’ve fallen into this pattern of contenting myself with just a few precious moments grabbed when my exhausted eyes shut and it no longer becomes a choice but that necessary need, sleep then washes over me and I’m powerless to resist its call, weird disjointed dreams that make little sense full those miments . this now happens even while I’m mid occupation lol, ,( it is rather novel but none the less feeling freaky, . I fell asleep this afternoon while watching one episode of a program , only to wake twenty minutes later to another different topic and actors, my half asleep foggy mind takes to back spinning quickly to process all this new information, which after much effort it does thankfully,

last night my pain meds kicked in quickly and had at least three hours deep restful sleep, I had had rather an eventful day yesterday though, ( being one of the very few days I ventured forth, into the big wide world., A lovely recently found, quite by chance friend came to remind me there is (Actually!!!!!) life outside my house and garden, I’m always nervous about this, and if I’m honest blown away( I hasten to add it’s not that full nerve blown panic attack of yesteryear, ) No this is an odd mix of anticipation, stress of being so tired, and just the sheer speed of how fast the world about me is now days , When you live totally cut off from everything, rejoining the outside seems foreign, fearful even, And although I don’t hate it, but just like waking up to find another episode on the tv, I find it difficult to process, it’s kind of like I am no longer part of it, I find the world is indeed still going on around , but without me none the less.

We arranged to go firstly to a post office, there to send a package containing Jesse’s favourite coffee, ( seems odd sending coffee to an American, Home of the coffee, but it’s his favourite and almost unobtainable there) . I managed this task quite alone, while my new found Friend Debbie waited patiently outside in the car, the chilled rainy Monday morning no place for her yet lol, it was thank goodness in fact empty, . I walked through to the back of a local shop where the little local post office was situated .. apart from one other person It was quiet, so i escaped having to people …….well at least for that moment , I stood behind the tape barrier as required, shuffling restlessly from foot to foot. More people joined in behind me, and I was very aware of their presence, just a couple of years past this wouldn’t have bother me, let alone me take note of it..the mask on my face makes me sweat nervously, water trickles down my face and in my eyes, I just want to get this done and get out, but I am aware I must take my turn, I concentrate on my breathing , which by now is rapidly growing to fast , if I’m not careful I will in fact hyper ventilate, so I shut my eyes for a moment , and count each breathe willing it to deepen and slow, which it does…I do in time though get served and before leaving the shop, I push myself that bit further still , and buy newspapers, more waiting in line, hanging about, ( they are not for me I hasten to add , but for Cinnamon,s ( my Bunny) room , I will do anything for him lol.

From there we ventured to a supermarket, (store, shop,) however you refer to these places, that most normal people go to for a food shop, ( I’m convinced myself it always turns up at your door, well mine has for the last 18 months anyhow, then as we long ago established in not the norm) . This was a big moment for such as I, . One that requires stopping off at the nearest cafe for a coffee to arm my before the next trial commences , And as if by magic , the shop has its own and I drag us both in to caffeine fuel up before the fun begins , ……it’s been so long since I’ve lived amongst my fellow humans though, that I had forgotten all about how these weird fangled creations called tea and coffee machines, how do they work???!, .

I stood back a while leaning relaxed against shopping trolley( cart) for support, hoping someone would come by and use it , my loitering caused a few chance stares, (few out and out ones too lol, ) Eventually I bit the bullet watched over by a very bemused Debbie and lady stood behind her plastic shield barrier thing, I press loads of buttons, ( don’t know what I’m going to get) could be one of those Macky , latte, yacky coffee things, bring back the days of just plain old tea or coffee, I don’t know what I want, don’t give me a hundred to choose from, But I hastily thrust my cup at the machine and by more luck than chance, I do indeed get a black coffee, ( I thought those by now looking on in amusement were going to applaud, ….I glare at the machine as I look back walking away……I have no clue where the milk is?, Let alone anything to try to sweeten this inky black acidic looking brew, ( I swear I thought my cup was going to dissolve if I didn’t drink it quick) ….As if by magic or maybe mind reading Debbie appeared behind me with Those tiny pots of milk and sugar, …as I feared even after two milks, countless sugars, the rapidly cooling by now black mess , still didn’t look any more appetizing, ..in fact I didn’t dare stir it with a spoon , it may melt in this battery acid for an excuse of a coffee, then I would never brave to drink it……

we sat at one of the tables , that were themselves imprisoned behind grotty finger smudged plastic barrier,s, , my eyes never leaving the coffee, in case it got away …well it may have, ( I waited to fight it off ,from going for my throat, ) I decide it may be far safer to drink this stuff before it get,s me!, …..I sip it dubiously, it tastes as it looks, ( like anything coming within its path is about to dissolve or combust) But my companion makes it go down easier, we chat happily about our latest Netflix binge, classic drama,s, music and our mutual love of all things Gardening, Debbie sings in a choir and she recanted takes of events she’s taken place in, And as she does, it’s a joy , this ladies eyes become aflame with passion , the excitement is evident, And I’m taken along for the ride, I can picture the scenes, hear the raised voices, I not only listen intently , I’m with my friends descriptive art ,actually there. Taken from this dimly lit cafe, on a wet Monday morning to a world of music , to a different time, I love the warmth and energy she exudes, as she explains, describes, every finite moment, ….before I know it though we both know we have to indeed do the shopping, but I have loved this brief stay of execution( aka shopping) and so caught up was I , that I had even survived the coffee, ( or had i)????????!

We went or separate ways to shop, and nervously I picked my way about the large store, .having that I don’t actually walk anywhere ever usually, other than around my small bungalow, this is a slow and painful affair, my under worked muscles long ago gone to flab. The conditions I suffer with decide they want to now join in, ( I’m in full flare up) , soon in a world of pain, ….this and not knowing my way about The shop is not a wonderful combination……Then as if feeling left out, the beginning of a doozy of a stomach cramp reminds me of the earlier drank coffee, it’s soon joined by it,s friends…..since I can remember I’ve had stomach issues, but after Covid, this has become shall we put it a much more trickier situation, I have to be within a millisecond of the nearest bathroom, not in fact in a crowded store, with my shopping, that and a loathing of using public bathrooms, sweat soaking me through to my skin, I try distraction, ( you ever tried distracting your stomach?????) Oh look at this lovely erm, food arghhhh! , there’s food as you would expect everywhere , not good lol, ……but with sheer skill, much determination even more clinching of ……….teeth , I make it…..now I just want to get home to my own little home, bathroom before there’s a disaster on aisle 3!!!!!!…… . I have done peopling, they are all very nice I suppose , but at a distance please ….

I locate Debbie ,whose amusing herself by now, looking in a nearby charity shop while waiting for me, Myself I’m just praying she’s not going to want to look at the other shops close, on the way home lol, But luck was, for once on my side, and we are soon on our way back to my home……(Debbie doesn’t just take me out on shopping trips,she also helps me out in my garden) , she’s has soon got out her garden gloves and is setting about any unwieldy weeds daring, to show their heads, while she does that I sit myself down on my trusty garden chair, i,m completely exhausted, both mentally and physically, moving anywhere hurts, moving everywhere causes pain, And just as I sit trying to recover, ,, the battery acid coffee decides to ‘re _visit once more!!!! , I then make the first of what are to be many , afternoon,s hurried bathroom visits……… In Between I feel guilty that i,m neglecting Debbie, I also feel bad I’m not helping out , …..I try in vain , but I’m sapped,…In fact I long actually just to lay down, sleep, rest , relax anything!!!!!, But manners maketh this woman and I persist in my trying to help, although I actually suspect I more than hinder…..After an hour Debbie ,makes her way home, And I’m left with the now all too telling silence, ( I hate it)

Gone is the merry chatter, the companionship, laughter , now there’s just silence again, if anything , I actually feel it more now, ….I go lay on my bed, hoping my exhaustive morning will bring release, in the form of sleep, …..but even now, when I need it most , it is far off, And I feel it mocks me as it goes, ( can almost here it’s laughter)….I didn’t fair any better that night,

Indeed the next morning when I try to leave my bed, my body protests dramatically, muscles ache, I ache and all of me screams ,lay back down, no one will care, ……but I dont, because I care, I need a shower badly, I need to feed Cinnamon too, mostly my by now badly dehydrated body from the day before calls for its caffeine fix, …while I feed Cinnamon, put on the kettle, refill the two air purifier,s with Eucalyptus oils to help me breath, I remember all the things I need to do, I groan out loud and decide , if I manage to shower that day, then that’s ok! I’m ok with that…. Standing a few minutes later, I stand in my chilled bathroom , turn the water around from cool to blooming hot!!!!! And there I just let it run over me , and as it’s does I begin to feel the aches dull somewhat, I lather my short freshly cut the day before hair, letting the bubbles wash down me, ….I decide today’s one of those days that I will use some of the last of what has become my very precious Norfolk lavender companies conditioner , it’s warm deep musky scent fill,s the shower cubicle and I breathe in its wealth of perfume, for a brief moment in not just a survivor , a Covid long hauler, I’m not fighting a thousand battles at once , I’m Theresa the brave and free, I picture field upon field, line upon line of deep purple waving heads sat atop silvery green stalks, and I’m walking pain free through them, Sun upon my back, and warm breeze carrying its glorious perfume, mostly in free, …..when I come back down to earth with a thump, I am indeed clean, fresh scented and if not ready to face my day, least it’s a start ……..ps after extensive research I’ve found where to buy more of the conditioner , plus shampoo to go with, the world’s now my lobster 😉 , take care out their folks , until our next adventure xx