As you may or may not know, ( depending if you’ve ever survived any of my previous missive,s) I have lived alone now for well over two years. With this, due too shielding and Covid long hauling, I’ve isolated completely. I see no one and have grown quite used to the long days and nights of my own company….it has in fact reached to the point, when I do have to communicate with another living breathing human type person, I have to dig deep well into the recess,s of my over active flowing mind to string my than one word sentences, . I mainly Garble or mutter something at them, that sounds akin to actually words.
And you know on the whole, I’ve grown almost accustomed to this solitary life of mine. Except for the past couple of weeks, (what’s new your wondering?) .well just over a fortnight past , I’ve had a terrible head cold, ( well I’m hoping that’s what it is anyhow, not being of the doctor type person, And exceptionally stubborn) I’ve mainly got by thanks as the title above suggests to four hourly top ups of ibuprofen and countless cups of strong coffee, it’s a novel combo and several times my poor battered Angina ridden heart has infact protested , I swear it thought it was a bongo on the odd occasion, on uppers at times lol….but without this self medication, I felt just turning over in bed was exhausting, never mind having a shower or feeding myself. Fevers kept me awake most nights and soaked to the skin ,during the day , I could not for the life of me, reach a happy medium, covers on, covers off, fan on, fan off, covers off and this went on all night,
my air purifier belted out eucalyptus / peppermint combo, 24/7 just to enable me to breathe, any food is tasteless, and my head has a constant marching band going through, But as I lay there in the dark soft stillness of night, I felt a mixture of emotions, not all of it good…..Firstly let me explain there was and is no fear of dying or death itself, ..Death has threatened me too many times in my long life, to hold anything over me these days, The Grim reaper is an old buddy now… I know it would actually bring with it a welcome relief from all the years of pain and trauma of anything, But no this was a depth of loneliness that actually bought a crashing fear around me,,,, like I have never felt in the whole of my existence before.. A deep loneliness for those I love , both alive and those gone on already …..I especially hungered for the sound of laughter from my children’s voices, even hearing the word mum!!!!!!, their faces, sitting in the same room ,sharing moments like we had many times before, …I replayed over and over precious memories made on one of our many walks together, picnics , mushroom picking at dawn, the clashing of personalities, even the bloody mess left in my kitchen lol, all the things that now as a mother left with that permanent empty nest hurts like hell, I’m glad don’t get me wrong , that each have their lives now , . You do after all only get them on loan.
But I miss that small warm sticky hand in mine, the constant question,s, and being ill brings this to the fore, I dream constantly of them, …mostly as small children , playing , running,And my house ever full of their friends voices and laughter, a crazy hotpotch of teen,s and an equally lunatic mother figure, they all took to calling me mum lol, (not sure who parented who, half the time mind,. But what I knew as sick as I felt then, I would do anything to go back to those moments willingly, ….Then when I closed my eyes I saw the outlines of my dogs, Willow, Marley, Kaito, Briar, I can’t even begin to express the pain of not having them close , I still feel willow climbing on my bed at night, his warm, little presence there on the bottom of the bed or laying on my pillow above my head, but it’s wishful thinking, these are just long ago ghosts that now haunt me…ghosts that are so close yet just out of reach….they taunt my weakest moments , times when I feel alone the most,
until then I had always believed that I could survive within my own company, that being alone didn’t necessarily mean I was lonely, but now I have to accept the facts, I hate this constant solitude,. …I’m a deep believer that everything happens for a reason, And maybe I needed this time to reflect, recover and learn to stand alone, but I’ve communed enough now with my god, I know more about myself then anyone’s a right to do lol, ..And whatever I’ve done in my past that needed this punishment, I’m sure two years of solitary confinement is enough, …what hurts above all is those that bought this about mess, I’ve tried to atone for those past transgressions if indeed I had any regarding these folks, but for the life of me I can’t see them, ….the only person I’ve hurt in my life ,I’ve apologised to countless times, And because of this person,s forgiveness, I’ve changed beyond recognition, I became far better, warmer, and vowed never to knowingly hurt anyone in my lifetime, . So as I lay deep in thought , I asked of my god, what more can I do for you, I’m ready to answer for whatever you feel I’ve done, But lift this weight and let me know freedom for a while before I go on), let me know love, not the sham of love that caused me heart ache an brutality no real honest love, let me also feel the arms of the man I love about me( even once more) when darkness brings with it its demons, before life comes to a close, ….No one can inded know the pain of a constant separation from some one who keeps them walking this earth as I do, or that of a mother not being with her family , hold those your love close and your loved ones even closer because we live in a harsh world right ,full of uncertainty, stay well and be careful 💚
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