Culinary Calamity

So for the last two weeks I’ve decided in, either my boredom or as I prefer infinite wisdom ( first option is the most like) to really improve my health by checking my diet, ( well it’s actually more like a healthy eating kick,,,, Salads , veggies, absolutely no bread( I’m a celiac for goodness sakes ,so that always should be out of bounds,, no sugar , definitely nothing that tastes anything remotely gorgeous or halfway decent,hereby I am i,m surprised to be saying doing okish , i have yet to fall off the proverbial wagon , (although there’s still time for this and i have felt myself needing to tighten the seatbelt a few times to keep me on from a soft landing, into a passing cake,

It’s great having a diet buddy with you 24/7 , it’s impossible to cheat even if one felt inclined, being together all the time prevents midnight snacks or crisps falling into my mouth , but I’ve made my mind up and there to an sticking to it, I have gained some weight, as have many of us long haulers, ( we are all unsure why , and considering not much stays in my stomach this is indeed hard to take, most I believe is fluid retention, most of us having very swollen legs and arms…, but I accept its not all, … I grown sick of looking at myself, and with this comes the avoidance of anything mirror which I hasten to add is not always possible😁 , nor can you shut your eyes each time you undress, kind of makes things difficult,. So after eating up most of what I had left in the freezer / fridge/ and cupboards, .this left me with that huge craving for fresh veg, Salads and healthier food in general.

So I’m going to use this to get me started on that right road to a new improved me, I’ve done this once before, March 2020 the bloody Covid struck and with it extra Lbs, …( A very unwanted free gift) But least wise I figure I do know what works for me , nothing’s totally lost right ?, …I buy slimming world dinners, which in my mind can’t possibly be good for you 😁they taste wonderful and fill my relentlessly hungry stomach, also have my salads and a freezer filled with vegetables, fruits I’m afraid limited, my only real weakness is coffee which I love with that nice ample spoon of honey . ( 😔, this too eventually will have to go , sighs

Anyway last Thursday I bought one of these vegetarian healthy meals, they looked ok, well as ok as you can tell from the packet, but then don’t they always ?, I should have learnt long ago to not for (1) shop hungry, …(2) most packets lieeeee!, But it was spaghetti Bolognese right? , how bad can it be?

Friday night I found out!!!!!!!, . I was hungry, after just a green salad for my lunch, I had spent that day I salivating, as I thought of a huge plate of rich ground veggie mince in thick tomato based sauce , covering a mound of comforting pasta, …I kept busy doing anything and every to occupy the mind off food, and my upcoming meal, finally that night it was time folks! …I pictured my meal and drooled,..I couldn’t wait another moment, …it’s hard enough waiting for the microwave , you know those endless minutes, that honestly do really feel like torturous hours , watching the plate turn around and around , until that longed for ping!…..and let me confess, I have never ever waited that extra minute, or two after, hell no (that’s just the manufacturer’s idea of fun in the instructions to torture the life outta you isn’t it?) It’s not truth I just know it! .

I happily took the long awaited meal out of the luminous dayglo green sleeve , And from there my dears it was all very rapidly down hill ( what’s up Treez your all now asking?) well let me tell you, firstly I looked down at at the portion size, I would not have been happy feeding this to a small very mouse( I am indeed a good eater, I love food) the sauce part being a very strange glowing orange colour, the pasta part looking like just several strands of tangled droopy insipid colourless yarn, I felt immediate disappointment, then darn like bursting into tears, I had looked forward to this thing!!!! all day, I had worked myself into a food frenzy, an orgy of food porn, a cacophony of cravings, it had not left my mind in fact all that very day , and now here I was left like a bride on her wedding night and no groom( don’t ask how I know how that feels).

But I thought ok , let’s not let first impression,s take over, maybe it’s indeed a very nice tasting tray of glow in the dark orange gloopy stuff that resembles doggy do!, I stabbed the plastic film viciously( I swear I heard the physco music) put it in the micro and slammed the door purposely, that thing once nuked may have escaped and attacked me. I went back into my bedroom , figured this should be a safe distance if it mutated, exploded or grabbed me by the throat, And I’m still not sure if I was happy to hear that ding or just plain afraid 😨, but I returned to the crime scene,( I mean kitchen to find it hadn’t grown legs or started making its way out by itself,

I plated up the Orange Brown mess and stabbed it soundly to be sure of its actual demise, I swear this thing moved of its own volition, no it did . I took that first dubious mouthful and can honestly say it tasted exactly as it looked , it was vile, …..not to waste it or be thwarted I added , tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, pepper , any thing that I had left in my cupboards in the vain hope it may improve this molten steaming mess upon the plate before my eyes, ….even the pasta section of this vile ensemble, did no more than resemble real honest to goodness noodles, it had a taste I can only describe as like licking wood chip wallpaper,( yes I have done this😳,

I ate the glutinous mess, mainly before it ate me, but as I did I had dark thoughts of its revenge the very next day, And I didnt in fact have long to wait either, this my dears is a cautionary tale of what looks to good to be true , is indeed a pasta vegetarian dish and to be avoided at all costs or served wearing goggles, haz mat clothing and paramedics on standby, I’ve eaten a few micro meals over the years but this seriously was indeed the award winning worst, …..maybe that’s why it’s healthy , it’s so bad you can’t or won’t eat it and lose weight ……got it 😁, whatever you have planned for your evening meal folks may your palates be sated and your stomachs filled, stay safe out there and take care xx