Banging time had by all

So as we all now know, I’m at best a light sleeper, ( that’s of course when it see,s fit to happen at all, ….Every nnight our routine is to put something on Britbox to watch till we both fall into a stouper and z,s fill the air both sides of the pond. The night before I had been extremely restless, ( mainly due to the fact my garden had been broken into at some point the night before) And with my history, i was too nervous to settle ( I’ve programmed myself to hear every little sound) nothing falls under my radar ears, (comes from being a mum at one time who had little ones to listen for) Even when morning came I was far too anxious to sleep, what sleep I did manage was at best in slots of ten minute intervals, which is exhausting and I find if I’m honest worse than nothing ….So last night I lay awake after an initial half hour doze,

It was super windy here and I heard loud bangs and crashes throughout the night,,,for someone with my history , living alone this is terrifying, I can’t begin to describe what goes through ones head, every little sound, set off sparks of additional adrenaline zinging through my vains, my nerves such, I could hear my heart race, I’m jumping out my skin, every kind of emotion runs one after the other, my PTSD mind loves to play it’s games,All I want is to curl into a ball and cry, I’m deeply upset, scared and also angry, ……it’s a reminder of the damage done to someone when they have suffered abuse, I hate the feeling of my weakness, that vulnerability,

I’ve always been a tom boy kinder person you see, I have dragged myself out of some pretty dangerous spots, I rode trail bikes on mud tracks without a care for my safety, took onboard abused horses that were left so mentally scared they would lash out at anyone, nothing ever frightened me, So this I hate, this is foreign territory, and I don’t know how to deal with it, …my instinct is the same as always now, I’m hurting , I’m afraid , and like most animals backed into a corner , I come out snapping , I won’t let anyone comfort me , talk about what’s happening, it’s a reflex ,knee jerk reaction, one that in my past helped me survive, i,m waiting for those I love to turn on me too, so I don’t let them in, I withdraw, hide in those deep dark catacombs of my head to wait it out, Jesse knows the drill now, his seen me retreat within myself too many times, he never takes offence, and has learnt to wait till I’m ready to share….I can’t explain this fear that eats at me, that strips away the humour with which I normally see my life, ( another survival thing I believe)that new found vim and vigour his helped me find slowly over the years just vanishes , that spirit I once took for granted was slowly growing and returning ……all these emotions run raw and are tiring on that of a healthy body, on one that spikes fevers nightly from Covid long hauling, it depletes and leaves me trying to run on empty , feeling ill…..

I lay in my bed for the longest time this morning, too exhausted and wrung out to speak even, I had in fact I think slept a while at day break, but even my dreams were haunted and disturbed., after an hour of staring off into the distance, going to the bathroom forced me to move, while there I showered , dressed and decided to tackle taking out the trash, ….when I did, I couldn’t help but wished I hadn’t ,

A largish section of the perimeter fence was down, instantly , adrenaline serges and I’m shaking , I cannot control the quakes that hit , . The fence had been neatly laid one section ontop of the other, this was outside my Garden , And I did no more than try to prop up the pieces to try to fill in the gap, it was useless but instinct wanted me to secure my surroundings, do something, anything, again anger reared its ugly head( and folks I hate this emotion , it does nothing for me, doesn’t serve any purpose) but I’m angry I never learnt any DIY skill, I’ve no clue how to repair fences and that really messes with my head, ( never being allowed near power tools, or actually so much as a screw driver, where does one start. But I did what I could, then one of those fabulous coincidence,s happen, two lovely folks I met through getting Cinnamon his own custom built domain made, got in touch out of the blue,

Firstly I think In my same old pattern, ( I will be a bother, I couldn’t possibly ask them for help, I barely know them right?,maybe it’s asking too much) I battle this out in my head, conflicting arguments take hold for half hour, then I take the bloody plunge and just ask?, I hate it, I feel useless, a burden , but I also knew I couldn’t face one more night unsecured, I felt violated enough, I needed help, And did that rarest of things and reach out to someone via text , And bless their hearts within the hour, not only the husband arrived , power tools to the rescue!!!! , but his wife, think she knew from my garbled text I would feel better with her added presence,

It was a quick neat job and my fence is most likely up more secure than ever and the best bit was I met two amazing people, life gave me one set of skills , that was how to survive , tell my who to be aware of , it never taught me how to reach out and accept help, to indeed just hold my breathe and trust, … This is yet another skill to learn ….take care folks and be careful out there xx