If I reach just one…

Back nearly two weeks ago now,… I think I hit a crisis point, as my seventh month approached fast, I lay on my bed, sun streaming in through the door that,s nearly always opened out onto the tiny pathed patio,.warm air blowing in softly playing with the voile curtains across my patio door, far off in the distance I could hear children squealing with delight at being outside in the early evening with their friends, their mothers chatting and occasionally calling to one of the over excitable kids,

As this reached my ears, I remembered, my own three children, their friends all outside running about, with that never ending exuberance that only the young have, I would sit outside with one or another of the mum,s so that the other,s could get on with that days chores, .It only seems like a few moments ago,And Often we would all gather, sat out as the sun glowed red in its coral streaked sky, just sharing time until we went in to get the children ready for bed that night,but that was then

I wondered how would it be now, in this strange new world of ours, a world where in place of the huddled companionship of yesteryear, we would have been sat six feet apart, not sharing sweets, cans of drink, not in a huddle whispering some juicy nugget of information into the others ear..no now we would have been six feet apart, And not only that making sure our children followed suit, ….can you imagine keeping upwards of fifteen kids at a distance from one another?, I know I cant.

But it may have been different, difficult even but I would have done it, why? Because i am laying on my bed, listening to life going on around me, And I don’t feel part of it anymore….I am on month seven now, And all the symptoms I spoke about a while back are all still not only there, but they are getting no better,

Only i belong to a group now, A group with hundreds, if indeed not thousands of fellow sufferers, .We share our frustrations, our pain, our worries and of course tears, …it’s hard knowing we are all in our separate little worlds, feeling this sick, this afraid and you can’t reach out and touch one another, And that’s a big thing for us, Touch!, Because of course none of us can know the touch of a hand, a hug, even someone rubbing your arm, we are totally alone in our misery, …I crave human contact, I lay here afraid of what may be and there’s no one to hug me, I fall asleep some nights quite frankly not knowing if I will wake, my body is being over taken by this viral invasion,and no one knows how to stop it.

My liver counts sky high, that causes all kinds of issues and pain, I struggle to breathe some nights, wheeze and have this awful whistling thing going on in my chest, my nose hasn’t been clear since it all began way back in March, headaches are my norm, as is the on off soaring temperature,s, my stomachs so bad I’ve not risked excursions, even to local shops, a lot of nights I lay alone and scared,…… what’s even worse is Jesse is still there on that phone and thank goodness as it gives me a modicum of peace of mind, my only human interaction, but I know full well if we were together I still wouldn’t have that touch, that hug, those arms about me making things right, if something were to happen I would have not known human contact in months, And I’m not alone in that, my fellow long haulers are in the same boat… Wanting so badly to know warmth of a touch, yet wanting to keep those we love and care about safe…

Your now thinking but your alive right and it can’t be that bad!,can it?, Yes it can, we all share this utter frustration of never the ending exhaustion, I don’t mean tiredness, I mean the battery is empty, there’s nothing, our bodies are depleted, there’s no reserves, you just lay staring into space, because any form of movement is too draining,, And if you do find an ounce of strength from somewhere it’s quickly sapped,…. I had to shower today, why had to? Because I didn’t have the energy to wash, I stood for as long as I could, propped up against the cool glass of the shower cubicle, letting the warm water run over me, no strength to wash my hair, just standing until it became hard to breathe, so I bent over from the pain in my chest and dragged breathes up, when I recovered slightly I turned off the water and went and sat on the toilet, just breathing,I felt wrung out, and if I could have mustered the strength i would have cried but years take strength and I was used up, … numerous bathroom trips the day before had literally taken any energy I had had left, a shocking headache, my eyes were blurred which is the other other norm for me now, I just sat, angry at the injustice and pain of this,

I and my fellow long haulers don’t deserve this, no one ever does, no one should go through this living death, I’m not exaggerating in my description of it either, I’ve laid many nights begging my god, any god not to allow me to wake, but I do, And it’s then I remember I’ve a family, I have Jesse and I dragged this body that’s fought a whole nother day to survive out from under my covers, there i begin that day, most of it is spent laying back down again between the odd chore I have managed, …what’s worse with this is there’s so many people out there not willing to believe us, not wanting to hear, not wanting to listen, And all most of us want to do is protect you from this blooming plague, that’s eating away at us, I’ve hidden away seven months now, i,m frightened, it’s a living nightmare at the thought I might pass this on, what if I did ? What if it killed someone? A mother, father, a child, ….so I hide away, half of me scared at seeing anyone, the other half wanting to reach out and make contact..with someone, anyone…

The amount of people still coming on our help page, telling struggling people, that their struggle is a lie, a hoax, made up and we are basically lazy, some have just lost loved ones, and come on for some solace, understanding, from those who know, understand, just to have to read that, others of us are struggling to get through that day, knowing we are being used as the butt of a jokes, it’s cruel, it’s shameful and makes this harder,. We are alone folks and those same people doubting our fight, shun us, won’t come near us, it’s hypocritical, and frustrating, because we understand your fears, who wouldn’t, you would have to be incredibly stupid not to fear this, but these same folks shake their fists about their rights not to wear a mask outside, want to go about their days as before, let’s all get back to normal, yet expect us to stay locked away, I’m willing , more than willing to do this, even if it’s another seven months, But it’s down to us all, each and every one, it’s all our fight, I don’t want wake again tomorrow, reading another wives heartbreak as she describes not being at her husband’s side holding his hand as he slips away, reading mothers fears as their children grow sick and they don’t know who to turn too…worse I don’t want to have to beg a doctor for help, to see me, my first in all these months, because I followed the rules, read the guidelines, only to be offered antidepressants because they have no clue what else to do for me… You bet I’m depressed, you bet I’m fearful, because each day i,m in the fight of my life, And not only do I fight a long haul of a battle, it’s an invisible foe, and dear Corona doesn’t fight clean, it’s plays dirty, So if this message reaches one, if one washed their hands more, wears a mask, looks after themselves better then I’m happy, it’s not just flu, it’s not made up, this things a living nightmare and when you wake it’s still there, look after you, look after each other, remember your all unique, a one off and so precious xx