The World’s Guilty Secret…

I woke from a very restless nights sleep. (Not a good idea on my broken bed. LOL) The First thing I do is check out what’s happening in my world. My daughter texts daily and tells me she loves me. This I find such a comfort. Facebook world beckons and I comment on friends’ posts or do the like thing… you all know where it’s at. As I scroll through cute puppy, kitten and horse pictures, one picture breaks through my still sleep-numbed brain. It wakes me instantly. It breaks into my sleep-filled mind with a scream. It speaks to me in a way only someone whose been in a similar position would know.

There, in full colour, is a photo of another beautiful young lady, her face swollen, bruising already evident, her poor face slashed across, eyelids barely able to open. I can’t comment. There are no words I can offer up to comfort. This I see so many times now that I hate going on the page. It’s an abuse self-help page. These are people I know; brave, beautiful women/men whose only crime is to fall in love, to make that commitment with the wrong person. Each day there’s another photo, another person damaged both mentally and physically. Each day I find myself filled with sadness, anger, and grief. I know what you’re thinking. I hear it daily also. Why don’t these people walk away? Why do they go with men/women like this? Why not go get help? Yeah, it does sound easy doesn’t it? And you may think that’s what you would be doing in that situation. But that’s all very good in theory… trying to put that in practice is another matter altogether. There are refuges. There are places you can reach out to get help, phone numbers, etc.

But when your in amid this horror, you don’t know who to turn to safely, who you can reach out to, who of your friends, loved ones, will understand, even believe you. See, many of these abusers are the sweetest of people to the outside world. Their disguise practiced, their masks one of a loving partner. To everyone in their circle of friends the relationship is solid and loving. Even those close have no idea. And here’s the shocker: even the person being abused may not know! Yes, I know that’s hard to believe. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but in truth this is happening all around you, happening right now, to a good friend, a loved one, may be even, God forbid, a child in a relationship, your mother, father, as it happens to men too! It’s not selective.

How would you recognise it? I’m not sure because the person whose going through this also wears a mask of their own. One of shame, sadness, helplessness. Also protection… they want to protect you, ironically, from their horrors, their shame. They don’t want to involve those closest, in fear they won’t be believed, that deep down feeling of embarrassment, of letting this happen, firmly living in their own blame game. Did they deserve it? Is there something they could have done to avoid it? If they just stay quiet, not speak, not draw attention to themselves, do everything to please their partner, be that devoted loving spouse, everything will be okay, right? Truth is, this person is very alone in this because, try as you might, there’s no pleasing this abuser. If you hide in another room, they will seek you out. You can cook that perfect meal, have it on the table dead on time. You can wash their clothes, provide everything their heart desires, but they up their game to give reason for their next onslaught. If something goes wrong anywhere in their lives it’s your fault!!!! Bad day at work? Someone looked at them wrong? The shop was closed? The car wouldn’t start? In truth there doesn’t have to be a reason for the ire, no reason to have their temper released on you, for them to verbally, physically attack you. You’re just there… wrong place, right time. This is their right… you are theirs, theirs to use in any way seen fit. Some are not only verbally and/or physically used, but sexually abused. This, again, is hidden from the world. Maybe it’s so horrific to them they bury it someplace in their minds under the guise of ‘you cant refuse your husband/wife their sexual rights‘. How and whom do you ask ‘is this right?‘ No one talks about this stuff. Who do you ask as you hide from yet another verbal attack by curling into a ball, or your body invaded and you stare at cracks in the ceiling praying its over quickly so you can have your body back to wash away the hurt and shame?

I sit daily down in a cafe to get warm and drink my coffee. Each day I look among my fellow customers and ponder as they chat and go about their lives. I pray none of you know this fear, this horror. I hope as I get to see regular faces that they are indeed in wonderful marriages, with loving families, and never having to run out in the night with just what they can gather in quick time to escape debasement. I hope none of you ever hide the abuse from those who love you… never wear a mask to protect, then never have to try to justify why you walked away from what those same friends and families perceive as that perfect marriage. Right now, folks… right now sat next to you could be someone going through a living hell, too scared to speak out, waiting , watching their partner to see what mood they’re in tonight, listening for that key in the door, breath held. You may never know who they are but know they are screaming their pain in silence, all the while longing for someone, anyone to confide in, someone to reach out to. It’s all there to see. It’s all there behind that mask, in the face of that person with that same smile, laughing at some joke. If you look in their eyes you will read their dread, their fear. It is a well kept secret from the world but one that needs exposing, and more help and assistance given to those very brave survivors, because even those who are supposed to believe you – police, family, shelters – don’t always. It’s a very lonely journey to be on… very scary… and one most travel alone.