One Year Ago

In an hours time, one year ago to the very day I was sitting aboard an aeroplane, my first ever flight, to see the man of my dreams for the very first time. I was more scared of the fact I was seeing Jess than the flight, which, if I’m truthful, had terrified me just weeks before. I could barely walk down the road alone and here I am, sat with my fellow passengers, crossing the sea, my thoughts never strayed from Jess not for one moment. Flight attendants busily saw to everyone, their confident cheerful smiles didn’t reach me. I was sat thinking of that night. Oh, I spoke to the crew politely and the couple excited about seeing their family… we shared stories and a mint or two. (My ears were tormenting the life out of me, so very painful with the pressure.)

Even the films playing on the tiny screens on the back of my neighbours seat didn’t distract my thoughts. I wondered ‘would he run screaming from the airport when he saw me?’ I had been, by now, traveling hours. I was tired but still those damn butterflies in my stomach did dogfights and aerobatics. I felt excited, sick… no, excited AND sick. In my head played scenes of how that first kiss would be, how his arms would feel about me. For goodness sakes, I was about to sleep with the man I had loved for months now and whose hand I hadn’t even touched.

That night turned out to be perfect. Jess and I had spoke at length of my nervousness around men. He was perfect, so gentle, so loving, and I could not have asked for anything more. As we lay in each other’s arms, time halted. Our hearts, bodies and souls spoke to wach other. We shut out a world that was harsh and not part of us. This man took me with him on a journey I can never forget. We became husband and wife in all but name. I was his forever that night, waves of love caressed skin that has never known a kind touch in its life. Soft words enveloped my once numb heart and it beat once more at the same pace as my love’s. They played love’s tune and we spoke the words, danced the dance only lovers know. It was a night such that if I live another thousand years I will never forget. It was one of many this beautiful man gifted from his heart to me.

Now a year on I lay in a cold, darkened room. He’s there as always in phonelandia, but I can’t hold him… can’t feel those lips caress mine. I can’t run my hand through his hair and he’s not here to wipe the endless silent tears I can’t control. They fall no matter how much I swipe them away. I can’t let this gentle soul see. I just want to lay and sob. I want to go out into the darkness and scream up into the sky. Why why why!!! What have I done to be punished so? Wasn’t 35 years enough punishment? Cancer… HMS… endless illnesses… I never questioned you, Lord, when you took my freedom for years. Good friends I never asked once ‘why me?’ when I lived in fear constantly. I took it as my lot. But all I want now is my last few years of happiness spent with my gorgeous man.

My heart hurts so. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I feel especially now, especially tonight. Excuse me if I write poorly and my eloquence lacks, but my eyes waver under the constant barrage of tears, and I can barely breathe with this pain. Nothing can touch my pain, not even the soft words spoken beside me. This, to me, is cruel and no one, I mean NO ONE should decide if two people should get to spend their lives together… only themselves. Tonight is the cruelest nightmare, for tonight I don’t get to sleep. Tonight I don’t get to wake up and find it was all a dream. Tonight I do not get to hold the man I love. I long to lay and sleep the endless sleep, but even that is denied me. But if it wasn’t I would never feel those arms holding me tight… wouldn’t feel home. I love you endlessly, Jesse Cole. True to none other xx