Online dating, mind the pings

Back in February after the big Detroit debacle something kind of odd happened. I got home that day from the airport filthy and exhausted. I showered, had coffee and went straight to my room. Jesse was on the trail of a new client, with the aid of his faithful steed. (car Ruby.) This meant a three hour drive to Kentucky and back. We didn’t get to talk much that day, but that night, as always, Jesse and I sleep-videoed. In case this is new to you (as it was us once) I’ll tell you what happens…

We started way back by accident one night while talking on phone chat. I dozed off , just a few minutes. I nearly died with embarrassment. Jesse was a gentleman and never mentioned the fact I snored. Okay… he never let me live it down! But it was all done in fun. The following week while he was up all night working he did the same. I listened to his breathing and before I knew it I actually slept. (Now if you know me, you will know sleep was rare, filled with nightmares and very hard to come by… some nights as little as twenty minutes.) But here I was sleeping a sound, deep and dreamless sleep. Jesse woke up eventually horrified and embarrassed, but when I explained how well I slept this seemed to mollify and he actually took comfort in it .

This happened a few times and each time I slept deeply and felt relaxed. Nightmares happened but Jesse was there. His closeness, albeit via phone, was such a comfort to me. Soon we both discovered that neither of us liked to sleep without the other. It became our thing and I benefited no end from actually sleeping. Still, by this time, I hadn’t video chatted. Jesse wanted me to. He said this would bring us closer and we could see each other go about daily life. I was embarrassed. Visions of him taking off as fast as he and his phone could run when he saw me. He had photos but well this was different.

One day I made him a small video message and sent it to him as a surprise. Well, he phoned straight away telling me he loved it and would treasure it, so an hour later I sent him a request for video chat. I was shy and ill at ease in the very beginning, but then he turned to me, this huge boyish grin on his face and my heart, oh I swear, it stopped right there. I looked into those twinkling eyes and was forever lost. This man has a smile that can melt my heart clean away. From then on we chatted for hours, days at a time. I’d sit and keep him company while he worked… he would play music. So would I. I even watched the England football game that year via Jesse’s TV because it was not on here. (I’m watching England play via American television! Sounds absurd but, hey, it worked.)

We didn’t chat twenty-four / seven yet but almost folks. We rarely left each other’s sides unless one of the other had to go somewhere. This we did until I visited in October. We loved the bond it gave. If we had known where it would lead, don’t think either would have believed it, but then who thought two people would fall in love quite the way we did after just one night of chatting .

Anyway after Detroit it soon became evident I was suffering the worst case of PTSD. I didn’t see it but then I wouldn’t. Jesse and my therapist on the other hand saw it all too well. I was a constant worry to them. I had became very withdrawn, never left my bed, didn’t want to eat, had symptoms of anxiety and depression, etc. etc. It was then one day Jesse said if I have to stay on with you 24/7 I will. You WILL recover. I won’t leave your side. Since then this is exactly what we do. We eat, sleep, share all day every day together. Now this was okay but neither knew where this would lead. The first time we had to go off was because Jesse’s phone died on the way back from Kentucky. Well, his battery did anyhow. He had to hang up till it got some charge. That’s when it hit me… I began shaking, became distraught, couldn’t breath, couldn’t think straight. I lay and sobbed my heart out. It felt like I would never hear from him again.

That night the two hours he was off air was the longest of my life. By the time he rang, I was a mess. It was obvious I was suffering from separation anxiety. Jesse tried hard to not let this happen again. He hated seeing how upset I had become. There were short spells of dead air and each time I became more and more anxious. I even started at the thought of it going off air. There were times that Facebook went down or we heard those dreaded pinging sounds telling us it was losing connection. I would hold my breath till it passed or until Jesse called back.

One night we were both about to find out just how much this loss of connection was to cost us both. Again, coming home on a Tuesday night, Jesse’s phone just wouldn’t charge on the phone charger and we both sat knowing what was the inevitable. We didn’t mention it because he knew I was already upset and tried to hold off for as long as he could, but the phone went down to fifteen per cent and we knew it was just a matter of time, so Jesse opted to go and let it charge a while which meant going off for at least an hour. He told me he loved me, hated saying goodbye and would be back as soon as he could.

I sat on my bed and howled. Yes, I mean howled. I hated it. The panic set in at once. I laid down on my bed, took some sleeping tablets and hoped I could sleep the time away. No such bloody luck! I was wide awake, clock watching for my sweetheart. In the end I just lay staring into space, my body overcome with adrenaline. My phone, for some reason, turned itself off. And I missed Jesse’s calls an hour later. I thought he just didn’t want me to call him. I always think: ‘that’s it, he doesn’t want to call anymore’. I looked across for some reason, saw the phone dead , screen blank and hurriedly turned it back on. There I saw umpteen missed video chats, missed calls, messages so I quickly called back. When I got through, there was my man, but instead of the calm Jesse I know so well, he, too, was amid a massive panic attack. He shouted at me for the first time: “where were you? I’ve been going out of my mind!!!!” See, Jesse, I thought, had always been the strong one, but here he was breathing ragged, sweating, the stress written across his face and there I am trying to calm him down. We both suffer panic attacks and here was when it became useful as we got how the other felt at that precise moment. I knew I had to calm him down as he was driving, so we breathed together until we both calmed down. From then on we knew this was no longer just for me. I wasn’t the only one who needed the twenty-four hour video link. Now we both did.

To be continued xx