Rainy Sundays

I hate Sundays. Always have since the moment I met Jesse. Rainy, cold Sundays are just not on my favourites list. See, since we have been together, anything that could go wrong always happened on Sundays. Our first time apart after meeting was after something happened on a Sunday. I try to keep a low profile these days, preferably under my mound of fleece blankets, in my darkened room normally with cake, sweets or some kind of treat.

Today is one of those days. I’m cold, very tired (Long night. Little sleep. When I did it was full of my usual nightmares or I woke myself up snoring. Anyone else ever do this?) I realised within the first hour, sleep was but a dream (excuse the pun). So I watched Netflix. Well kind of. I looked across at my love in his usual spot, his phone home. (Yes we are still on 24/7). This has become more crucial to us both. I think I may explain about this tomorrow. Anyway, I digress as usual. I often do. Poor Jesse has a hell of a time following my conversations.

But my darling’s asleep. Soft breaths and the odd uttered word fall from the lips I miss terribly and while he lays there unaware, I look at him. I can enjoy staring at the face I know so well. This keeps me sane.

For months now we have been apart which, in itself, I find a horrendous toll on my nerves. I’ve lost much of the confidence myself and Jesse worked so very hard for weeks… months to instill. And when you started from rock bottom, this i find very frustrating as I know Jesse does. I hate it for him more than myself.

But when you live in an aquarium (yes, I meant to write that. LOL) over the months we have been apart it has come to our attention, thanks to someone close, that everything I did and said was being relayed back to those who I’d rather it hadn’t. And I mean EVERYTHING. It got to the stage I swear people knew what I was doing before I had even thought it. No, this isn’t parawotsit (paranoia), this was actually happening. My life was an open book. Now that’s okay but I’m not getting any royalties! It got so that I didn’t know who I could and couldn’t talk to. Okay… I know I live in a small town and gossip is rife, but this got back before I even left the house.

I had enough demons to face on the streets and just walking out there, recovering from the whole episode at Detroit, became harder, not knowing who can I talk to, where could I turn in times of need. Oh yes, I had Jesse and my family, but even I, who really isn’t into peopling that often, knows I do need to share the odd ‘hello’ and maybe passing coffee. I’ve shut myself away further… withdrawn from society to the point I may go for a coffee once or twice a week. The rest of the time, well, that’s spent hidden from view thanks to those who have betrayed (and they know who they are) I’m slowly reverting back into the black world of Agoraphobia. I fight it. I push myself and my body to keep going out of love for Jesse, and dare I admit it… shear bloody stubbornness.

Sometimes I struggle not to give in, but I’ve worked so hard to gain the freedom from my past and the turmoil of my nerves. But this constant feeling of being watched over, my every thought, deed reported back, leaves one feeling that you cannot do something as simple as walk, breath, just sit outside a while with the sun upon your face. I must make a sad picture sat alone in the local cafe, slowing sipping my coffee and a bottle of posh pop. (These are my only luxuries.) I make it last for as long as I can until I have to go back to my room to hide. The staff are very good and don’t mind if I take up a sofa for that hour. They are used to me talking to the soft calming voice on the phone. They are aware that I use this time to relax as best I can and are all exceptionally kind to me. I love the fact I now have a usual. (LOL) It makes me feel noted, cared about, that at least THEY would miss me if I didn’t show. (Well, them and the local gossips.)

So, these are my thoughts on this cold ,wet and very depressing Sunday afternoon. I’m sorry it’s been a while but I needed the persuasive soft tones of my darling to start writing again. (I’m so lucky his encouragement in all things keeps me pushing my boundaries.) I thought about giving up for the longest time as I knew even this was over-viewed by those who delighted in spreading the goss. Hope they enjoy. For those who are genuinely interested in Jesse and myself, I Thank you for your support and love.

Till next time, much love. xx