Interlude III: The longing

I’m sorry I’ve not been about for some time folks, but due to circumstances way beyond my control I’ve not been at my best I’m afraid. Hell… who am I trying to kid here! I’ve been going through my own private hell. See, what I’d not mentioned yet and will go into more detail as mine and Jesse’s story unfurls is exactly what happened to me on my last trip out to see my man. I promise I will fill in these gaps, but for now I’m here in England, my love there in the USA. Now some would argue I knew this before I fell in love with him, that distance would be a problem. All we both know is the heart wants what it wants, and it will go where it will. I had no choice with falling in love with Jess. It just kind of grew and blossomed. But here we are oceans apart. Might as well be the moon for all we know. I also know despite seeing him via video chat 24/7 it’s not the same as being there with him. We chat, we sleep, eat, breathe together, but I can’t hold him in my arms, I can’t kiss him, even just sit next to him and rest my head on his shoulder while watching TV.

The last two months have been a living hell for us both. Both of us feel the loss of the others company desperately. Gradually over the weeks it’s crept up on me and my already tired nerves are shattered. See, way back I had fought Agoraphobia, anxiety, PTSD to get myself over to Jess in the first place. Now my nerves are back, letting themselves be felt… in fact, screaming at me. It’s this evil separation that I just can’t withstand. Seeing Jess, yet not being physically there, it’s eating away slowly at my soul. I am barely functioning… just existing in some kind cruel paradox of limbo where you can see and hear the one you love, be near his world but behind glass. I knew about love, folks… well, knew of its existence. What I didn’t know was how it is to fall this deeply. See, no one warns you. No one could. Jess is part of me now. He is my heart, my every breath. When I’m not by his side, yes, life goes on, but not for me. I find myself struggling to eat. If I do it’s rubbish food. Sleeping has always been hit or miss, now I lay watching Jess sleep for hours, longing to be at his side where I would feel safe from the demons that lay waste in my head each night. Jess calms those just by his mere presence. Although he’s there, I’m needing his arms around me.

Daily now I find myself slipping further into the despair. That has no name I can think of; breakdown, shutdown, meltdown, depression… to mention some things even to compare it with. I’d say it’s a desert I wander in longing to find the oasis that is Jess. Seriously, I can’t even explain this physical pain that is so so real, it’s my constant companion, like some savage huge red-eyed giant, clawed beast that’s following me, waiting for me to fall so it can attack. I can no longer think straight. I’ve shut myself away in a small room, closed myself away from those who I need so badly to help me through this. None of them can reach me., It’s like I live in this cage not of my own making and, although warm hands reach my way, sweetest love in their hearts, I can’t see them. All I see is this misery that twists in my mind and heart. I don’t mean to not let them in, but this world of constant pain makes this decision for me. I’m just so exhausted, yet rest avoids me. I’ve a constant hunger that gnaws at my gut but not for food.

Each day I hurtle further into this black world and, I confess, I’m scared I’m never coming back. The only thing that holds me is this cord attached to my phone… and to Jess. The times I can’t reach him or he needs to hang up, I shake, I can’t breathe. I pace like a wild animal captured. My head thinks of a thousand things to torment me with; my own private bully beats me mercilessly. It tells me untruths worse than any person could think of. I try so hard to talk myself down, use the tools I’ve found worked for me before, but this frantic panic will not let me listen.

I cry each night alone in the dark. It’s not me feeling sorry for myself, it’s just this endless pain. Where will it end? To be very honest, I fear I don’t know. I do know each night I pray that my God gives me a way, a path that leads to Jess or show me what’s required of me. I know Jess feels his own pain. I sit some days watching him sitting head in his hands. He says daily “I wish you were here to hold“. That tears into my heart because, folks, if I could have a year with this man I’d give up forever right here, right now. I vow this! Anything to be with him. For my loved ones I’m deeply sorry I neglect you. I hate it, but this place I wander in doesn’t give me the choice. To the most wonderful man in the world, keep me anchored, honey, because I fear without your love I swear I’d wander off into the darkness and not find my way back.

This, folks, is why I’ve not written until now. Those in their own private hells I sympathize with wholeheartedly. I hope you can find that path back soon. And to my daughter, thank you for not judging me. But I know our closeness of the past allows you to reach in and see where I’m at… and see this living hell. I glimpse you on my darkest paths, Beck, and know you’re there. You and Jess find me often and shed a little light when I’m lost and alone… bring me back to you. Stay near, my loves, for I need you both more than I ever have. Sorry this isn’t a happy post, folks, but those of you who have loved know its pain well. Love to you all xx

More later…