Chapter One: Jess

November the 17th, 2017, was about to change my whole life… well events on that night were anyway. See, I was living in a very controlling, abusive marriage, had been for thirty five years. At the time all I knew was that I never felt happy. I just kind of existed, lived in limbo, co-existing with a guy who either didn’t know I was alive or made my life hell. Each day just rolled into the other. I became overweight (I will explain another time). I suffered depression, many serious illnesses. As I say, I was just getting by, waiting for the end, if I’m being honest. My husband had gone away for three days. His parting words as he slammed out the door were ‘when I get back you’re moving back into our bed. No more of this futon downstairs malarky‘. I had escaped there months earlier using my puppy, Briar, as an excuse. As the days passed I became more withdrawn, shutting down fast. The thought of sleeping with this man filled me with every kind of horror… disgust even. I felt physically sick. I’d slept downstairs with my puppy on that futon for months now. I’d escaped for a time. I hadn’t had to fight off searching hands in the dark. I wasn’t having to lay awake all night, as sleep brought horrors I’m not prepared to disclose.

The night before he was due home I went onto my self help group where I was an admin. We were about assisting one another through Agoraphobia. I loved working on there… put in many hours. It was my one source of pleasure. That and my puppy. I signed in but just couldn’t concentrate on anything, so unusual for me, but I tried and put in some hours. As the night wore on, time passing fast, it got nearer to my husband coming back. I sat staring into space dreading the hours going, his key in the door .

As an admin on our help group we have our own space to talk ,wind down, as it could get very stressful. I looked out for my friends. I needed someone to reach out to but wasn’t sure I could share everything with these ladies. One light was there in the darkness, a little blue circle with a silhouette of a guitar player told me Jesse was on. Now I’d had a few laughs with Jesse but never confided in him, but for some reason we chatted. I said I was waiting for Dee, a fellow admin I shared many a confidence with over the 18 months; Dee never came on. I grew more distraught. I think Jess sensed this and asked what’s wrong. I didn’t mean to totally unburden; he knew I hesitated and said lean on me. Soon as I started out it tumbled… hours and hours of abuse, horrors, things I’d never told another human. He listened. He said the odd word but mainly listened to the whole sorry tale. Take into account this is online and we are typing back and forth. When many many hours later we had stopped talking, Jess went quiet. I saw his flicking light but no answers came. I thought I’d horrified him… thought he was upset, which I learnt, yes, he was, but not with me.

He couldn’t believe the catalogue of horrors. Half hour later he came back and said he couldn’t believe this life of mine. He had always thought I was this happy woman living on a farm with pet cows, cream and jam scones, fresh eggs and a hunky farmer husband. (sighs) If only. But this was the mask I’d given my co-workers. I didn’t want the fact I was so very miserable coming across. See, I only let them see my humour, my love of helping people. Jess and I had chatted all night. He was the first person to say ‘you do know what your living with is abuse don’t you?‘ There it was, in black and white, someone else saw my misery, someone else felt my pain. We chatted many many more times after this, but that night, that dark night, that very special night, something amazing happened: I fell in love.

I didn’t mean to. I had been a faithful wife for 35 years, but here it was. I also realised I’d never been in love before. Here I was at the grand age of ahemmm… falling for a man halfway across the world. I’d never even seen him for goodness sake but I hurtled faster than a comet. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t eat. For a foody not to eat, well, it’s unheard of LOL. I lost nearly a stone in a week. I guess I was almost in shock. One morning very shyly I confessed to Jess how I felt thinking I’d never hear from him again. He was sweet about it… told me he cared. Gradually over the weeks a bond grew and love blossomed. We wrote daily, sending poems and love notes. I fell headlong with no way of turning back. This man was and is the love of my life, someone I take each breath for… someone who showed a very damaged human being kindness, gentleness and love.

…..to be continued..

Jesse’s Perspective of Chapter 1

The Agoraphobia group that Theresa refers to is one of the two I joined when
I first got on Facebook back in 2014. In them I found the support I needed to
kick a 9-year sequestering of myself. They literally saved my life because I
was of a mind that it was not worth continuing. I also made many good friends
in these two groups. Online friends or no, they were there when I needed
someone.

When Tracy and I got together she was very paranoid about the internet and
Facebook. She had an ex who had vowed to hunt her down and kill her because she
had been made to testify against him in a murder trial… from which he ended
up doing time in prison. She was not keen on my Facebook activity but was
somewhat mollified when I took steps to be as private as possible and not
divulge her name in any way being connected to me. Hence she became Lady T.

She would often sit at my side and observe as I communicated with friends on
Facebook, never entertaining the thought of getting involved herself. She got
to know the people in my groups and would comment on them. Theresa was one such
person she noted. By this time I was involved in a weekly trivia challenge that
several of my online friends took part in. Trace would often comment on
several, one being this Theresa persona. She thought she was witty and funny. I
felt the same. She became one of the people on there I looked forward to
interacting with… strictly in a platonic way. The more I got to know the
people in the group the more I got to know them and their personalities. I
found Theresa one of the more impressive ones. My mental picture of her was as
a farm wife, happily married, out feeding the chickens every day, dropping
everything late in the day to fix dinner for her devoted husband. I don’t know
why this was the vision I had, it just was. I would learn later that she is a
master mask wearer.

Time marched on. Trace and I moved from Phoenix to my hometown of Columbus,
Ohio. We both hated Phoenix… loathed Arizona… and were not too keen on the
whole of the southwest United States. We packed up our belongings in a U-Haul
and set out across country, chronicling our journey online so my friends could
follow. That was not the original intent. I had figured no one would possibly
be interested in the trek of two boring people across the great expanse of
America known as the Great Plains. At our first stop I posted pictures and the
response was so astounding that I kept it up for the duration. I realized that,
as most of the friends I had suffered from anxiety issues and agoraphobia,
vicariously traveling across the nation was something that really struck a
chord with them. Who knew my boring life could be entertainment for someone
housebound!

Our time in Columbus was infinitely better than our stretch in the hell that
is Phoenix. I began writing little anecdotes recounting the adventures of me,
Trace and our menagerie of pets. These were received very well and became
popular. Many people would comment on them, some privately, and I would get to
know these few a bit better than just conducting the general banter in the group
forum. Trace was right there following everything and being entertained by the
interaction. She got to know everyone in my groups as well as I did… still
refusing to take part herself. In retrospect it is haunting that she would
comment on Theresa out of all the individuals in there. Eventually myself and
several of the other members in Theresa’s group formed a separate, private chat
forum and we would all sit and make each other laugh for hours. Again Theresa
was front and center and I began to consider her as a friend… a real one, not
just one like you could buy at WalMart.

One day in mid-August, 2017, Trace and I had a discussion that couples often
do like who-would-you-want-me-to-be-with-if-something-happened-to you? Tracy
mentioned my cousin, a woman from one of her social group meetings and two
ladies from the Facebook group, one being Theresa. She said “She’s
funny, witty and smart. She makes you laugh and that is important.“
The irony of this conversation would be driven home a couple weeks later when I
found Tracy dead on the kitchen floor one morning.

To say I was devastated would really not be doing justice to my mindset
after Trace left. I actually contemplated suicide at one point. Through the
love, support and friendship of the friends I had made online, I was talked off
the ledge and helped through the grieving process. (Though one could argue the
grieving process never really ends.) One friend from another group spent hours
with me on the phone. Theresa was integral in getting me through it all via
chatting, usually in the collective group we had formed. Everyone was so
helpful. To say they saved my life would not be hyperbole.

For the next couple of months I turned to the group more and more to cope,
to get through Tracy’s memorial service. Several of my friends went so far as
to send flowers, fruit baskets… a few got together and sent a gardenia bush
which I discovered in a giant pot on my front porch when I returned from
Tracy’s service. To say I was touched does not really do justice to the emotion
of the moment. I sat on the sofa and bawled like a baby. I was so touched… so
overcome with emotion that I could not think of anything else to do. I will
always love all those who helped at the time. How I deserved such beautiful
friends is beyond my grasp.

A few months passed. I spent a lot of time in chat with our little group of
friends. Then came that fateful night of November 17, 2017. I was chatting with
Theresa (Tess is my pet name) and she seemed troubled. I had followed her life
through her posts in the group and encouraged her like everyone else as she
progressed toward overcoming her debilitating agoraphobia. I prompted her to
talk to me or someone else to unload the burden she obviously bore. For
whatever reason, she showed me the ultimate trust in sharing what was
essentially her life story. It became very clear that my image of the happily
married farm wife could not have been farther from the truth. She was
miserable… living in a sham of a ‘marriage’. I let her know that she deserved
better. If you know nothing else about me know that I detest bullies and cowards that prey on women and children. She stole my heart that night.

We began chatting regularly as much as I could. I had a business to run, but
this woman was steadily creeping into my world and making me feel good just
talking with her. One night she shyly…. hesitantly confessed that she cared
for me. For my part, I knew I cared for her. There were some issues however….
1) she was married, and I do not have relationships with married women. The
fact that she was not now nor had she ever been in a real marriage… was
merely chattel for the monster to use… gave me something to hang my hat on.
2) She lived 3,875 miles away… in another country… on the other side of an
ocean… on the other side of the world. What future would we have? 3) I was
still grieving Trace, though I think I had pretty much had gotten past the
worst of it. Was it companionship that attracted me or was I really falling for
this woman?

I wanted to express my undying love right then. I had deepening feelings for
her, I realized. I felt better with her than I did without her. She seemed to get
me. No one besides Trace had ever gotten me. We had similar tastes in
music, movies, books, food, humour… we were like psychic twins. I had no idea
what she looked like but I found I did not care. I was falling in love with her
spirit… her soul… her mind. She could have been the elephant woman for all
I cared. I really liked her. And I knew I wanted to keep talking with her
forever. We starting writing poems and stories to one another almost daily. And
WOW could she write. She lacked confidence about her writing skill because no
one had ever encouraged her, but I was blown away. It takes an intrinsic talent
to convey your raw emotion in verse… in prose… and she could do it as well
as anyone I had ever known. I felt like my talking with her was a positive in
her life. And I was smitten. I had loved Tracy and she had loved me
boundlessly. I never thought I would find someone to love again for, like
Theresa, I have a self-doubt issue wherein I do not see myself as worthy of
being loved. Tracy sort of put a major dent in that. Now comes this incredible
woman who smashes it all to hell. She made me feel a much better man than I
felt on my own. She made me feel wonderful. She made the world a brighter
place. Her past enraged me but it did not define her in my mind one iota. I saw
her as this exquisite creature that I had been blessed to meet. I saw her as a
woman who had a ton of love to give and no one ever to give it to. I saw her as
a fighter… a survivor… for getting through all the hell she had endured.
She was not in a marriage… she was a prisoner locked in a cage, made to serve
a brutal overlord. I had sympathy for her plight, but that was not the salient
point. She was just an amazing woman.

I had to admit to myself that I was in love with this lady. Thank God I did,
because the love we have created is beyond anything I ever imagined could
exist. But we will get to that later. There is still a very long journey to
write about and I will get to the next chapter as soon as possible. This
amazing creature has an incredible life story. I hope you enjoy reading it. You
will end up loving her, too.

To be continued….